i saw my docter today for the first time since i made all these huge changes (ten days or so) he said im making great steps and the whole thing was really positive and im so excited to be making these changes or am i? i know this sounds ridiculous but in one week i gave my scales to my mum and have only weighed myself twice in comparisson to the 10 or more per day, ive started taking zoloft my first attempt at meds, i gave my mum all my laxatives and am now on the daily dosage whereas i was back up to 15 or more still not as bad as i used to be 30plus but at least im on normal amount and with the help of a fibre additive i am functioning semi normal and ive gained nearly 2 kg but why is it as soon as he said that i paniced majorly i suddenly felt fat and horrible and i went on a major binge which resulted in a second tonight! im finding this extra weight very hard to handle even though im 170cm tall and only just 50.5-51kg im so confused im happy that im really trying to take control but at the same time im so terrfied of letting go im sickened by the thought of gaining weight and im finding this incredibley hard to deal with - he said he's proud of me as these are the first real steps towards recovery that ive made in several months but for some reason that was a massive trigger....i am proud of myself for all the work ive done this last week or so but this other part of me is going mental and just wants to hide as i feel fat and ugly and just so lost without ED...my doc said that with all ED paitents he notices that we dont trust our bodies we dont seem to trust that our bodies will be healthy and we wont be beached whales so we trust these extreme and very dangerous habits and i agree ive become so scared of putting on weight that ive forgotten that when i was eating a healthy not strict diet in high school (before i put of weight from being a pig lol) i was maintaining a happy carefree 56kg which is still thin for my height! i was happy confident and fit why do i crave this horrible low weight of under 50kg?????...sorry this is long - hope it makes sense...i guess i just want to know if anybody else finds that their ED doesnt let them feel happy about getting better even thought logical me is glad im making progress
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