I feel pretty desperate right now. ED is on overdrive since i agreed to see about getting referred to IP a couple of days ago. I either can't eat at all or i can't stop. Just had a really bad b/p episode sand a planning on just not eating again to make up for it. I'm also taking lax for the third time this week - a new destructive addition t my ED. I feel chaotic, lost and scared. ED is telling me i am not 'good enough' at restricting to go IP and that if i eat i can't stop - stupid greedy me, so i should just not eat. I don't feel safe. I am supposeto go to a friends for a couple of days but it's a couple of hours on a train away and not sure i can make it as i am so all over the place. I could also go to a more local friends house for a few days but i'm not sure i want to. ED says not to, but rational me knows it will help me to do a meal plan and not totally restrict or lose control and subjectively or objetively binge (and then purge). The reason i agreed to IP is that things got so bad bu now they feel even worse. The next few days seem to be stretching out in front of me like a terrfying abyss and i feel very vulnerable. Like ED knows i am betraying it, so wont behave, so what else do i have to rely on right now???!
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