i feel the familiar 'thing' creeping up on me.

i am doing well, fighting against the thoughts that tell i am fat..

i am just not eating as much as i should..or as regular.

i am scared because this is how my eating disorder was just a short 4 months ago.

i'm afraid that even though i do not always have the bad thoughts associated with the eating disorder, that just not eating right, will cause me to fall hard again..

it's like sneaking up on me..

sometimes i can see it...and other times not.

i am not sure if it's just thoughts..just the eating disorder, or a real actual separate part of me..

i thought i used to know what the eating disorder was...

although, i am starting to feel more anxious and stressed lately, so maybe just thinking about this, makes it worse...

i went to the eating disorder assessment today..

the only group they have is once a week for an hour and a half.

the leader will just talk...mostly about things i already know..related to eating disorders.

and....then i guess i will see a nutritionist..

it makes me sad to not have an actual daily outpatient program to go to..