I've been very active since I was around 4. I played various sports in elementary school and was always skinny and fit and then I started only playing soccer because I became serious about it. I still play competitive soccer today, but I feel as if my binging is effecting the way I play. It all started in 9th grade, my first year of high school, I played for the high school soccer team and my club team and ended up getting injured due to a stress fracture in both of my shins. During my injury I gained 10 pounds and didn't lose it for the rest of the school year. In the summer I lost it- and more, but after the first ten pounds came off I started starving myself and became addicted to exercise. I dropped down to 100 pounds and although I'm 5'2" I was still underweight. Once school started I didn't have time to exercise as much as I did before, but I continued to eat very little. My mom began to notice my habits and became worried, forcing me to eat more. I started to feel extremely guilty about what I was doing and after a while it stopped working. When the holidays rolled around I started binging. I'd say to myself "Oh, I only ate 300 calories yesterday, I can eat this." But then it'd become out of control and before I knew it, by New Years I was back up to 120. Now I'm at around 130, I haven't weighed in a while due to guilt, so it's probably more. But I can't stop binging. Summer is almost here and I'm ashamed of the way I look, plus I have two important soccer tournaments coming up in less than 2 weeks. I'm beyond stressed about this and ashamed, which only makes my binging worse. I don't want to struggle with this forever. I just want to be able to eat healthy like I used to. Another thing that triggered my binge was a breakup after 3 years. I know I'm young and I don't know what love is, but this is the closest to love I ever felt and I felt depressed and still do sometimes about our relationship ending. Sometimes I feel suicidal, but I know I would never be able to throw away all that's possible in my life.
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