Hey there,

I'm short on time but want to respond - can you go home with the intention of making decisions that are in congruence with your life, or the life that you want? For example, instead of choosing to lean into the sadness and pain and guilt, choose to lean into the joy of life and the gratitude of having, e.g., two arms and legs, two working eyes, a big heart, and a working mind?

Love!
Ellen

Thanks, thats part of the problem with the guilt and thoughts, I don't want to live and I don't have anything to be thankfull for, I wakeup in the morning and am angry im still alive.

Oh, love. I feel that way a lot, to be honest. Especially when all the things I want to live for are absent from my life and finding them feels impossible. Life is damned difficult and sad and seems pointless.

My own questions are often along these lines: What's the point of living if I can't have a real mom and dad? If I am ignored when I am suffering and need help or at least need to be heard? If I feel like a burden and unlovable? If I want to be a mother but can't bear to raise a child with all of my own hell? If I am dying anyway? If I will never find the family I need and want? What is the point of facing another day in this hell that is twisting my heart like you would wring out a towel??

This site really helped me: http://suicide.com/index2.html

Promise to me that you'll read it. Promise??

Love you,
Ellen

Aggressive relationships are never beneficial to relive. I understand it's hard to not harbor some notion of "blame" on yourself for how things transpired, or feel you're responsible for his actions at the time. However, it's very imperative for you to know that NOTHING was a byproduct of your actions or feelings. His methods of conducting himself were of his control and desires. Nothing, and I mean nothing, you did influenced him to behave in such a manner. YOU are not to blame for this. And holding onto the memories will only facilitate the negatives on your life and disorder.

I've been through a few abusive relationships that circulated around drug abuse and alcoholism. I was in a contract with my apartment that would have penalized me heavily for vacating, thus I had to stay in the home where beatings/rapes took place. Rather than letting my "home" become my horror, I decided to make it into a positive. Parties, friends, family, started a reading group, painted, drew, took guitar lessons. Basically I made it so my home was filled with laughter and love, and I actively sought counseling with a peer sexual abuse therapist in the city. I talked a lot about the whole happenstance with my friends, and never took the time to let it be buried inside.

If you let your mind be angry that you survived or are still living, then you're letting the abuse win. By being a survivor, you're standing tall and showing this ex that nothing will bring you down, and you're an amazing force for this world :)

Chin up. Hugs. Know there is always a tomorrow.