I dont even know where to start ... I have become so out of control, that its pathetic. I feel like my "disease" has officially taken control over everything. I have been meeting with an eating therapist and I have had good moments and bad moments. I had tried so hard to gain some weight and when I do ... I would feel like I had let myself down, but I knew that was what was best. Then things have to happen and I get to the point where food is the last thing on my mind. Wow ... ok ... I am all over the place ... too much going through my head ... K, I will try to start over. Last week I gained 4 pounds, and today when I went back into see my therapsit ... I lost four more pounds ontop of the two I lost a couple days ago. Thats 6 pounds ... yeah me ... right? I think that deep inside I love the fact that I can still lose the weight, but now I question if its the weight or the feelings associated with it that I battle. This morning was horrible for me ... so what did I do ... I bought twinkies, made pancakes, and ate a half gallon of ice cream and then puked it up. But now thats not enough, and thats all that I want to do today. I didnt do it today because I want to lose the weight (in fact I know I have to gain or else its going to kill me), but the feeling of relief and comfort, thats what I am addicted to ... I crave to feel that way, and I crave for all my problems to go away. I dont know if any of this makes sense, but I am open to any advice anyone would be able to offer.
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