WARNING: Very long, personal post.

4 + (18 x 2)
No, no, no, sillies! These numbers have nothing to do with my BMI, my weight in kilos, or the amount of calories I plan to eat today. No. The answer to the above equation is how old I will be tomorrow, on Sunday, October 28th. I can't even bring myself to say the number out loud yet, but I know I must gracefully accept the fact that I just ain't no spring chicken anymore, and I must move on.

I should probably be posting this in my journal, but I guess I'm kind of begging for as many words of sympathy and compassion as I can get, or maybe I just want to be congratulated for "making it" this long because I really didn't expect to survive my 30's (or my 20's for that matter.)

The "Big Four-Oh" is proving to be a traumatic event for me because now society considers me middle aged, over-the-hill, and on-my-way- out. It's the final countdown, and where the hell am I? What have I done, where have I been, and most importantly: Where will I go from HERE? It is a time to reflect.

I don't know where the time has gone, especially the last 20 years. I remember the eve of my 20th birthday like it was yesterday: My 2nd hospitalization...skinny-little-twig sitting at a table in my unit's commons area...right in front of the nurses station...a smoke in one hand (you could smoke anywhere in those days :)...pen in the other...writing an emotional and frantic good-bye to my teenage years and to a much younger "Ed". I was still young and had so much hope for my future, so much confidence in myself that I'd be able to make a life for myself free from the constant torment and influence of Ed. A long, unobstructed road lie ahead waiting to be paved by me. Sadly, I couldn't quite shake Ed's grip, and he tagged along with me the entire way, or shall I say, he CONTROLLED my every step, DICTATED my every decision. So..I am where I am.

20 years later....
Here I sit on the eve of my 40th birthday, looking back at all the debris scattered on the road behind me. I left quite a mess in some areas; me and Ed had quite the party! But I can also see how the trees have grown and how the scenery has really gotten more beautiful--that is, once I take my dark sunglasses off and actually LET MYSELF SEE!

I have been so fortunate in life and am truly blessed in most respects. Lots to be thankful for in spite of Ed and all the chaos, destruction, and failures he's caused me over the last 2.5 decades. I still have my family! I have the very best parents in the world. I have the daughter I always dreamed I'd have (I always wanted ONE child-a girl,) and, I have a husband who loves me UNCONDITIONALLY. He accepts all aspects of my being: my dramas, nasty moods, and faults galore--which is absolutely amazing to me because I've put him through so much hell & heartache and abuse that really, he should've ditched my sorry-ass years ago! Seriously though, he has been the most stabilizing force in my adult life in all ways. He accepts my daughter as his own and provides for us all the necessities of life. His name is KEN, not ED! GO FUCK YOURSELF ED!

Forty is only a number, right? It's just the number of times the earth has gone around the sun since I've been born. It's like *** lbs. is only a unit of measure in relation to the gravitational force on earth. (I'd still love to weigh in on the moon though!)

There is another long, unobstructed road awaiting my creative decorating and careful development. Maybe my life isn't even half over yet, who knows? What I DO know is that I can only go forward from here, and make the best of my life that is yet to come. That goes for EVERYBODY. You don't really need a "special day" to decide to make positive changes that will show themselves both long-term AND in the immediate future. I think by the age of 40, one has learned alot about life and has reached a certain level of mature wisdom that is often only achieved by simply "being around" a long time! I plan on applying what I've learned and making this the best, rest of my life! I thank all of you who've made it to the end of this rambling. I needed to share my thoughts with "the world" today. Good day and thanks to all of you.... **HUGS**