I feel so out of control. I stopped purging for sooo long and I was so proud. I made the mistake of thinking I was "over it" and quit therapy. As soon as Christmas crept up it snuck back into my life. I still dont really understand my ED even after 7 years. Do I have to binge to have bulimia? Because I rarely do. I purge 10 or so times a day, not necessarily after I've eaten, just when I feel stressed and depressed and fat and ugly. Any time I pass a mirror. I do it to get back in control. I try and restrict as much as i can so i dont get that sick feeling after i eat and have to purge. I'm frightened because its given me the opposite of what I wanted. I dont have any control any more, its taken over my life again. And my pdoc and cpn belong to the "you dont have an eating disorder unless you are horrendously underweight" school of thought, so im embarrassed to tell them how things are because i think they are sitting there smirking thinking shes so fat theres nothing wrong with her. But I'm scared what I'm doing to myself physically. Last time I was this bad my potassium dropped to 1.9 and I ended up in hospital. I hated it because they threatened me with an ng tube if I didnt stick to this horrible diet they had planned. I got out of there sharpish. Maybe I shouldve taken their advice and got some help then and there. I might not be in this situation if I had. But I cant be doing with what-ifs. I need to find a way to get control back. I dont want to lose my life to this bitch that pretended to be my friend for so long...
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