I am trying so let you know, through my story that you can get out of the abusive cycle, but you have to learn about yourself, I mean really tear into your past experience and find out why you feel worthless, and that this is all I deserve in a relationship as I did. I never felt that I belonged anywhere and never understood why? So I was very needed for "any one, positive or negative to tell me they loved me". I was living through everyone else. Oh my God, the thought of turning him in meant "sure I'd get beaten up for it when he came home, but that was better than that thought of him never being with me anymore, because that meant I had to be by myself. Who was I unless I was the beaten wife going through all this chaos. And how would I live with alone with out what had become my life since I was a kid. It felt normal to me! It was NOT normal! It was SICK behavior on my part and allowing him to do this to me, and it was recycling my children to be me all over again as they watched this happen over and over again. Back when this was happening to me in the 60s'-70s' in the beaten from him and his parents there were no places to go for help back then, but there sure now. During the 80's-the early 90s' I put up with the verbal abusive for only a few years and Coda came in style then and I was determined to never live like this again! I found, I had to look at myself first so I could have the control back that I was missing in my hands and in my mind. Before I could not be afraid and get out. I remember the last comment he made to me, as he posed his fist at me to hit me in the face, as I was moving out, I said "go ahead, but make sure you really do it well as I want the judge to see the real you". And he put his fist down. Within a week he had a new young girl of 19 living with him that was as weak and no self esteem as I was at that time. Someone he could control and when he didn't get what he demanding he beat the crap out of her. She stayed for over 20 yrs and went through hell with him and his mother and father. I had stayed for 5 yrs and that was long enough. Then I got remarried really quick. Relationship jumping I call it. I couldn't live by myself. Still not healthy in myself. He was an alcoholic, but do you think I saw that, hell no! That lasted for a year. It ended with him throwing me over the bed into a closet door and my body broke the doors. I snapped at that point, which shocked me! When I got up I broke three of his ribs and called the police and had him arrested and moved to another part of the state near my family in one night. I then lived about 8 months alone, not enough time. I reamarried again... but this time I married a verbal abuser. This was a bit new for me. Hell, he wasn't hitting me anymore but was like a Drill Sargent in the military after me for everything. I should have noticed on one of our first dates..... He stated let me show you how to grocery shop for our house....... jeeze nothing like a control freak! But, I was so damn needed I let it go by without question. He would yell and scream at me terribly and of course with my history of being beaten I would run like hell and hide or crouch down in a corner in terror. This turned into a 20 yrs marriage of hell and it fed every rotten thought I had heard about how stupid, ugly, bitch, and knocking everything I wanted to excel at in my life and worse. I felt after so many years that I was living with my parents again..... jeeze that was an eye opener.... I was living with my parents again...?? That got my attention. Then he cheated on me, and I got in a very dark place. I tried to kill myself over him! Boy, was I sick pup at that time in my life. So like a child reacting I had an affair on him. Lets get him back right... NOT! I am a very honest and loyal person inside and all I did was hurt me and they I saw myself in the mirror everyday. I had to forgive myself for lower myself to his level and except the responsibility for my actions which I was not proud of. For some reason when he cheated on me, that was the one thing that got my attention for some reason. Loyalty and lying was keys to my waking up. Everyone's is different but that was mine. For some reason it was more humiliating than getting yelled at or hit. How dumb is that? Somehow that gave me some backbone! I got in his face and told him things were going to change around here, and your not my father, I had a father and he was dead now so back off! For the first time I saw this coward look very scared in his eyes. The tables had turned for a moment. I started counseling, Co dependence's AA. I stayed for 8 more years practicing what I was learning about myself and to see it I could save my marriage but he would never go with me. You can't work it alone. I left him and left the state and moved to from CA to TX. I stayed with a friend until I could get myself to the point I loved me for myself and I didn't need someone to define me! I stayed single for 2 yrs. Then out of the blue I ran into my 8th grade sweetheart, 25 yrs later and it was just at the right time in my life. This relationship is like breathing, easy, respectful, no yelling, no hitting, very very calm. In fact I allowed so much damage to be done to me over the years, and I finally learned how that 'I' was enough for me by this time, that sometimes I feel overly loved in this relationship. Probably sounds very strange to all of you, but he reminds me constantly how much he loves me and is very affectionate that I some times feel smothered. But, we are working on a good balance and we are very happy. Communication with him is fantastic and calm. We both listen very carefully to each others feelings and needs, or just what happened during our day. I think I finally got it right. He has told me I have come a long way since we first got together. I was a very angry person when he first met me again. But, he allowed me to get it out and work it out with a lot of patience! I would love to see you all feel what I do now, I would love to see you all happy, safe and be your own person without fear. I am here to help anyone that wants to talk. I have been there and I got out at 50 yrs old. That is a long time to give your control over to someone else in your life and to live in fear. I was asked here by Mike to help any of you. I am here for you all.
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