Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
My ex just decided one day that he didn't want to be a husband and father and literally abandoned our home and family. His doing so was quite a surprise - he told my son as he dropped him back at college after a Fall break during his first semester in college. (Can you just imagine being left alone in your dorm room after hearing that devestating news when you had only been away from home and in college for less than two months!? Now picture that you have a social anxiety disorder and have trouble making friends anyway, so you have no one close to you, yet...). He called me at about the time he should have been coming back home from the return trip and told me that he was not coming back home. This was in October 2008; for a variety of reasons, our divorce wasn't final until July, 2010. Even though he wanted a divorce and had abandoned his family, months went by without him actually filing for a divorce. He was actually shocked when I took the initiative, filed for divorce and he was served with divorce papers. I have no idea why he took no action himself, since he clearly didn't want to even attempt to work things out and absolutely refused to even consider marriage counseling.
He decided that, since our son was now in college, he no longerf needed a home or family. He rented a studio apartment in an area where my son would never want to spend anytime and where there wasn't any room for him anyway. He then decided to stop paying his half of the mortgage on our house - said it didn't matter to him if the bank foreclosed - or any money towards our son's support. After my son's first year in college, a school that he had wanted to attend since he was eight years old and at which he was a fourth generation legacy on my ex's side (the last and only one of my son's generation to maintain the legacy), my ex and one of his sister's decided that my son didn't deserve to return to the college and that he would live with me (I believed that my son still needed a home despite his age and had rented a two-bedroom townhouse, which is a financial stretch for me) and attend a local college. They decided this without any input from either me or my son. His aunt, who had co-signed a loan for him to be able to afford to attend the school, decided that she had a right to dictate what he should do during the summer between Freshman and Sophomore year. She sent him an e-mail, to which he never responded, since it was exactly the same as the plan that my son and I had come up with for him. She got angry with his lack of response and felt that she had made an "investment" in him and deserved to be able to tell him what to do.
The thought of not returning to school was devestating to my son and I was able to get enough financial aid from the school and cashed out some of my pension money so that he could return to the school, where he is now a happy second-semester Junior. Through the good graces of the school's financial aid office and a catastrophic series of events for me personally, the school now considers me to be the single parent of my son. His father is not even listed as a parent any longer as far as the school is concerned. (I can only imagine what will happen when my son graduates in May of 2012 and my ex's family will want to claim my son's fourth generation legacy!! He doesn;t even want them to attend his graduation.)
Since my ex left, I have mourned the loss of him as "my beloved and best friend", felt devestated that he could so easily break what I considered to be solemn vows and faced alone the devestation and anger that my son felt about our family being destroyed and his father's abandonment. At first, of course, I desperately wanted him to come back and try to work things out, but, as time has passed, I have come to realize that the man I divorced was not at all the same person as the man that I married.
It all hit home with a startling realization tonight. Since abandoning the family, my ex has had little contact with my son and, what contact there has been, has always ended in disaster. I have tried to encourage both of them to get together. My son is now home for a two-week Spring break. I made arrangements for them to spend the day together and for my ex to take him to diinner and then to see some independent films at a local area college (my son is a film major and has aspirations of becoming a director). They then returned to our apartment, where my son wanted to watch a particular tv show with his father. My ex walks into my home as if he owns the place, settles himself into a comfortable chair in the living room and proceeds to get angry at my son because my son hadn't recorded a show that my ex (not my son) actually wanted to watch. My son leaves the room and goes upstairs to his own room because he is upset at my ex's little temper tantrum. So, I'm left alone in the room with my ex, while he's watching my cable tv, reading my paper and refuses to discuss with me about any plans for my son who is trying to get a film internship in NYC this summer. I was extremely tempted to tell my ex to get the h*** ouf ot my home, but kept myself from doing so because I knew that it would upset my son.
I realized as I sat there in the same room with a man that I once loved and whose leaving our marriage left me devestated, that he was a narcisstic bore and all I wanted was for him to leave. I had to actually get up and leave the room as well. It never even occurred to the man that, perhaps he should just leave the apartment. He was perfectly content to make himself comfortable on my catch, watch my tv and read my paper - as if he were paying for it all!!! I realized with absolute and pure clarity, what I have been feeling for quite a long time - that not only did I want him out of my home, but that I was actually glad that he was out of my life. I realized that he had always been a narcissistic bore, who had no desire to be either a husband or a father and that I couldn't believe that I had actually once loved him!! My son is home for another week and a half. My ex may "be able" to see him once more while he's home, but, even though he knew very well the dates of my son's vacation, he has other plans for the week-end that he has to be back at school. I have some physical infiirmities which make it very difficult to do the round-trip entailed, but my ex didn't care enough to arange to be free to drive my son back to school!! He provides no support, either financially emoionally to my son and feels absolutely no responsibility towards him.
I am amazed that I actually loved this man enough to marry him and thought that I would spend the rest ofmy life with him!! For my son's sake, I didn't throw him out of my home, but really wanted him gone. Wha a libeating feeling this is!! Has anyone else had any similar experiences?
He decided that, since our son was now in college, he no longerf needed a home or family. He rented a studio apartment in an area where my son would never want to spend anytime and where there wasn't any room for him anyway. He then decided to stop paying his half of the mortgage on our house - said it didn't matter to him if the bank foreclosed - or any money towards our son's support. After my son's first year in college, a school that he had wanted to attend since he was eight years old and at which he was a fourth generation legacy on my ex's side (the last and only one of my son's generation to maintain the legacy), my ex and one of his sister's decided that my son didn't deserve to return to the college and that he would live with me (I believed that my son still needed a home despite his age and had rented a two-bedroom townhouse, which is a financial stretch for me) and attend a local college. They decided this without any input from either me or my son. His aunt, who had co-signed a loan for him to be able to afford to attend the school, decided that she had a right to dictate what he should do during the summer between Freshman and Sophomore year. She sent him an e-mail, to which he never responded, since it was exactly the same as the plan that my son and I had come up with for him. She got angry with his lack of response and felt that she had made an "investment" in him and deserved to be able to tell him what to do.
The thought of not returning to school was devestating to my son and I was able to get enough financial aid from the school and cashed out some of my pension money so that he could return to the school, where he is now a happy second-semester Junior. Through the good graces of the school's financial aid office and a catastrophic series of events for me personally, the school now considers me to be the single parent of my son. His father is not even listed as a parent any longer as far as the school is concerned. (I can only imagine what will happen when my son graduates in May of 2012 and my ex's family will want to claim my son's fourth generation legacy!! He doesn;t even want them to attend his graduation.)
Since my ex left, I have mourned the loss of him as "my beloved and best friend", felt devestated that he could so easily break what I considered to be solemn vows and faced alone the devestation and anger that my son felt about our family being destroyed and his father's abandonment. At first, of course, I desperately wanted him to come back and try to work things out, but, as time has passed, I have come to realize that the man I divorced was not at all the same person as the man that I married.
It all hit home with a startling realization tonight. Since abandoning the family, my ex has had little contact with my son and, what contact there has been, has always ended in disaster. I have tried to encourage both of them to get together. My son is now home for a two-week Spring break. I made arrangements for them to spend the day together and for my ex to take him to diinner and then to see some independent films at a local area college (my son is a film major and has aspirations of becoming a director). They then returned to our apartment, where my son wanted to watch a particular tv show with his father. My ex walks into my home as if he owns the place, settles himself into a comfortable chair in the living room and proceeds to get angry at my son because my son hadn't recorded a show that my ex (not my son) actually wanted to watch. My son leaves the room and goes upstairs to his own room because he is upset at my ex's little temper tantrum. So, I'm left alone in the room with my ex, while he's watching my cable tv, reading my paper and refuses to discuss with me about any plans for my son who is trying to get a film internship in NYC this summer. I was extremely tempted to tell my ex to get the h*** ouf ot my home, but kept myself from doing so because I knew that it would upset my son.
I realized as I sat there in the same room with a man that I once loved and whose leaving our marriage left me devestated, that he was a narcisstic bore and all I wanted was for him to leave. I had to actually get up and leave the room as well. It never even occurred to the man that, perhaps he should just leave the apartment. He was perfectly content to make himself comfortable on my catch, watch my tv and read my paper - as if he were paying for it all!!! I realized with absolute and pure clarity, what I have been feeling for quite a long time - that not only did I want him out of my home, but that I was actually glad that he was out of my life. I realized that he had always been a narcissistic bore, who had no desire to be either a husband or a father and that I couldn't believe that I had actually once loved him!! My son is home for another week and a half. My ex may "be able" to see him once more while he's home, but, even though he knew very well the dates of my son's vacation, he has other plans for the week-end that he has to be back at school. I have some physical infiirmities which make it very difficult to do the round-trip entailed, but my ex didn't care enough to arange to be free to drive my son back to school!! He provides no support, either financially emoionally to my son and feels absolutely no responsibility towards him.
I am amazed that I actually loved this man enough to marry him and thought that I would spend the rest ofmy life with him!! For my son's sake, I didn't throw him out of my home, but really wanted him gone. Wha a libeating feeling this is!! Has anyone else had any similar experiences?
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I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
You did the first part, you made the move and divorced, but now you have to move on and not let him, the ex, be in your life. You can not control the relationship with he and your son. Part of moving forward is that you have let go of the ex and not orchestrate weekends, film festivals, dinners etc for he and your son. That is your son and the ex's deal, not yours. If you don't do it, and I understand that your intentions are good, and he doesn't see your son, it not your issue. You can't control this, no matter what your son and his father do about it. Your son is a young adult, not eight years old, your ex should drop him back at your home.. and be gone! You have to figure out healthier boundaries with your ex, and that includes not letting him in your house. Why would they not go to his place and watch tv? You said it, your ex does no support for your son, financially or emotionally. Your son know this, and you no matter what are not going to be able to change this. You are angry your ex did not arrange to drive him back to school... if he did not do this kind of parenting when you were married, why do you think he is going to do it now?
I get it that you feel you have done more for you son than you ex. What you have to do is start letting go of the ex and what he does and doesn't do, or what he does with his time with your son or what he doesn't do for him. You did want him out of your life, you divorced! I think you need to limit your contact with him ( ex) and focus on yourself and your life. Your son has a year to go, and I would bet he will have a relationship with his dad, maybe not the one that you want him to have. You son is at the age where they are finding your own way, and this is hard for parents, for this is the time when you want them to be more independent and be on their own. O Let him make his own arrangements with his dad, good or bad. You can not control your ex, and you can not control your son's reaction.
Be good to yourself and work on the disconnect from the ex. I know this is new to you, but we all get there, the part where we realize we are better off without the ex spouse. The important part is that we move on a live happy life, our own! A BIG HUG!
What nerve!!
While I commend you for trying to get your son and ex to talk together, the relationship really is their responsibility to make or break. I think you had every right to ask your ex to leave, whether your son would be upset or not.
Sending hugs! You have made a big step forward. I told a friend one day last week, "I don't miss my ex at all. I just miss companionship."
Hugs!
It is very liberating to finally acknowledge that I am better off without my ex. It is even more liberating to be given all of your great advice about not being responsible in any way for my ex's relationship wtih my son. I'll just leave it up to them to figure it out. I know that my son realizes that I am the one person that he can truly rely on and he's told me that it doesn't matter how much $$ my ex's family may have. They haven't stepped up to help him out in any way so
What you've all said just confirms my own conclusion that my ex threw away something of great value when he abandoned me and my son. I'm looking forward to sharing the best of myself with someone, who I know isout there, who is worthy of what I have to offer.
This has been a great revelation to me and big step forward - thanks to you all. I look forward to continued contact with this group and the fact that I now believe myself able to share my positive spin on this whole experience with others.
All the best to you, my new found friends and good night.
Lynne
I'm glad you found this group, there are many smart, caring people here who can hold your hand when you need it. There is life after divorce. And I am here to tell you a pretty damn good one at that. Monday would of been my 24th wedding anniversary. It doesn't hit me like it had in the past. I feel detached and almost want to call and thank him for the divorce since I am so much more emotionally whole. Really don't know a better way to put it. (((HUGS)))