Welcome. First rule is do not believe what the stbx is going to say, this is a lot of idle threats. We are all conditioned to believe what our life partner tell us, because we have been partners for so long. Second rule, start the process that you are no longer partners with this person and you can not trust him. He sounds like is is more afraid of you than you realize, he doesn't want you to get a lawyer. He isn't going to talk you ever again? My ex would not talk to me after I got a lawyer for awhile.. I blindsided him and he lost the ultimate control over me. I told him the lawyer was in charge now and quit demanding and threatening me, I had 28 years of that, and guess what he never controlled then either.

Try and educate yourself as much as you can about the divorce process in your state. If two lawyer told you were entitled to maintenance you probably are. I am guessing you are going to get child support also. You do work so that is a good thing.

One thing about this process, nothing happens overnight! I also caution all of us, and I did it, not to "tell" them what we are going to do to them. My ex learns intutively thru me, and I showed a few cards I should not have in this. You can do this, be strong and try and keep your emotions and fear under control.

I forgot to add, if you think you are in any real danger, Please go to a lawyer and tell him/her. Write a letter that you are afraid and give it to a friend to keep. Take action. Call a help line or a womans center.

I do not want any of us to end up on the news. Missing.

That is my biggest fear. I have never seen so much anger and hate that i have seen in the last couple of months from the stbx. I stay away and avoid at all costs. He does have guns and i was told that he got one out at one of his parties. My lawyer is aware and so are the officers in my little town, but doesn't make me feel any better.

Doreen, I'm so glad you posted this! Check back again tomorrow as we are all on here at different times during the day.

If you have finally decided to move on, you need to get a lawyer involved. Her husband is bullying you because he is protecting his ass (and assets). He obviously feels he doesn't owe you a damn thing. The law sees it differently.

At the beginning of my divorce I actually talked to the Women's Shelter to be put on the list should anything seem too threatening. That said, they are mostly smoke and mirrors. Find the best lawyer you can - file first, protect you and your children. Make certain that right now you get your hands on as much cash as you can, because times can get hard. I know this sounds pessimistic, but I do sincerely urge you to find a lawyer.

Welcome Doreen: My stbx made so many promises about how he would be fair and always take care of me. LOL I'll be married 30 years in a few weeks and haven't worked in 25 years. I found a therapist that was also a divorce mediator. She is wonderful. She explained my states laws regarding long term marriages. Stbx is having heart failure at what he has to pay me. In my state they add your income and your husbands. For example if you make $50,000 and he makes $100,000 they add them and divide by 2. $75,000 each. Plus you will have child support involved.

You need to find out your laws first. I told my stbx to give me an offer and if it's fair the divorce could be over very quickly. Here I am a year later and a trial date at the end of April 2009. He called me today and wants to meet. We were supposed to meet this week and he was a no show. Remember if his lips are moving, he's lying. You should be so lucky that he'll never talk to you again.

Where is he living? Hopefully, not with you. Don't sign anything he puts in front of you. If you signed anything in the last several months, let your lawyer know. My stbx stole a forture from me. He has to give it back now.

I had to lawyer up and I found the one with the best reputation. I also visited the top 7 in my area so my stbx could never use them. Once you talk to them, he can't.

Hugs to you. I'm so sorry you're in the middle of this hell with us. We'll get one another through it.

I sent Doreen a message and this goes for everyone. Look up a domestic abuse hotline and call them if anyone, especially an stbx, or anyone for that matter threatens you. I also wrongly thought because I lived in a community property and no fault state that abuse did not come into a divorce. My wonderful lawyer said why didn't you tell me he tried to choke you, even if he was never arrested, the therapist knew. I told him I thought it was no fault state and did not come into the divorce. It does, it is marital misconduct and does come into it. Now if you are dead it doesn't do you any good... but tell someone. Do not be ashamed either, it crosses all social, economic, educational lines. I at one point said, how can this be happening to me! Me, who has been an advocate for years for the shelter.

To all of you, though not the best solution, is that a lot of lawyers take credit cards, especially Family law. USE your joint card if you have one. Do not be so nice. I was that way, oh I hate to put in on our card. He had no problem buying a plasma tv on it when he moved out. I would have rather have my lawyer, he kept me sane and the minute he was on board I felt relief and lost some of the fear. The debts get decided in divorce and believe me a plasma tv or a lawyer what do you think the judge will say. The womens shelter here does free, called pro bono for a lot of women, they have a few lawyers. My girlfriend has been paying her lawyer 50 a month for 10 years! I owe mine big time.

If you have a way to save the cash, do it. If you are sitting on the fence and think you may reconcile, save it anyhow. You can never ever have enough money in a divorce. I wish I had put aside more, but we always reconciled.... and I would use it for things we needed eventually. Do as I say, not as I did..

We have all been right where you are. How I wish I would have had this supportive group when I was alone, frightned and stupid about my divorce and my rights. My first priority was my children. I was so worried for them that they would miss out or not be able to have stuff or he would hurt them that I waited MUCH TOO LONG to get out of that nightmare..MY advise GET OUT and away from it so you can clear your brain. YOU are not going to think stright with him telling you crap. Get a lawyer RIGHT NOW!~!!! they will help you. Don't be nice. Don't be nice!!! YES it is worth saying twice. YOU need to look out after you and your children. BE strong, if you are not no one else will be for you. I cried and screamed and worried, and cried and worried somemore, but I had a lawyer to help me. I also was blessed to have family. I moved lock stock and barrel out of my house of 24 years in less then 7 hours with the help of family and friends. I also used credit cards to purchase things that way he had to pay half. I left our ranch in the country because I was afraid for myself and the lives of my children. I should not have done that. I should have stayed where I was. Get all the money you can out of every account and hide it. BEFORE you file. I did not listen, and I did not do well financially in my divorce because I was nice and did not listen to my attorney. LISTEN>. You will regret if you don't. DO it!! MY girls tell me they wish we would have done it long ago. We are kind of poor, but we are together and there is not any anger, and abuse and that is so wonderful..... God Bless you and good luck...

Doreen, I went through this with my ex. He calls me the selfish, coldhearted evil f---bitch when I filed for divorced and even stalk me after I moved out. I contacted the police and he got freaked out and left me alone ever since. Your ex to be and my ex are selfish people, they're playing the the power trip on us. When I finally stood up to him and showed him that I'm not that weakling giving in to his every whims, he backs off. Talk to your kids, let your lawyers know what your stbx is saying to you and maybe even the police. I'm sorry that you're going through this, it is not easy.

I've also been where you are now. Forget about what he says. First talk with your attorney. Know what your rights are and what responsibilities he has to you and your children. Ask for emergency support right off the bat. Sometimes it takes forever to get temporary alimony. You NEED to be able to live. If he's living with you, get him out (legally). Restrainer - right away. If he comes near you or the house call the police - immediately. Hard as it may be, you have to let him know that you mean business. My attorney asked me if I felt I could do that if I needed to. I replied I wasn't sure if I could. She replied, "then don't file until you know you can".

I actually DID write and send 3 friends letters to open in the event that something happened to me. And, did call the police one night on my stbx. It was the best thing I could have done. He never thought that I would. And, my children (the main reason I didn't want to call the police. On their FATHER, I thought?!) were so proud of me and relieved.

Don't wait......I waited too long. It didn't get better - it half killed me. The older you get, the less stress your body can handle. What if you become ill because of all this? Then what are you going to do? Do it while you can - he's bullying you - frightening you too. That's not love. You protect those you love. Protect yourself and family foremost - then get out.

See that attorney - ASAP. You can do this. From what you're saying - there really is NO OTHER way. Pick your poison - sorry - but that's what it is. Leaving your marriage won't be easy - but if you need to do that - at least there will be a light at the end of this tunnel - to a better life. LOL

doreen48: My stbx didn't think he should have to pay me maintenance/alimony. He never said that to me but alimony/maintenance along with child support were the only things we couldn't agree on. To tell you the truth I wasn't sure I could get it either but I saw a lawyer and he almost immediately said that the stbx would have to pay permanent maintenance due to the difference in our salaries and the amount of time we were married. That being 27 yrs. Well, we ended up have to have a judge decide the amounts on the child support and the maintenance. The judge decided less child support but more permanent maintenance. I think he did that because I only get CS for 1 1/2 years. So, please don't accept less than what you deserve. See a lawyer.

Don't let him bully you and do take his threats to heart. Get a restraining order if you need to and kick his butt out of there for a time. Read all you can about divorce and the laws in your state. You do not have to rush through the process--just remember to put yourself and daughter first--he will only be looking out for himself, don't trust him to put your best interest in front of his own. Lots of good advice offered from the other members here---I wish you peace and strength.