I don't know where you live or what state this court is located within. I have never heard of lifetime support being a matter of law (or even 1/2 the number of years of the marriage!) I think she's looking for a free ride myself. There are blood tests now that confirm the presence of fibromyalgia, so if she hasn't been tested, she could be faking it. Also, I find it hard to believe that after 11 years, she could possibly be granted a continuance of alimony. Your husband needs an attorney for sure to help unravel this mystery. Good luck!

Whoa... first off, you are talking to many of us that are getting alimony or maintenance.. some after years at home, raising children and working in the home! So I wonder what we would respond to if your H's ex wrote us.

What if she wrote my ex's wife that he now is married to is trying to interfere, and is concerned that I am faking it about my situation and support? What if she wrote us and said I have a divorce decree that says that after Dec 31st 2011, I have the right to seek or revisit the alimony depending on my situtation? That is what I see going on here, you are the 2nd wife, trying to find out if this can happen.. and it can. Relieved of this payment..

It may seem unfair to you, but alimony or maintenance paid out after a long term marriage can be lifetime support. Half the years of marriage as in this case is in some states used as a guideline. Some support is a set amount of year, some a laddered or step down amount, some is rehablitative, some is tied to the payor's age. Lifetime is not a legal term, but believe me, you can and she may get support after Dec 31st, 2011.

My decree states that it will be paid until my ex reachs age 62, and may be revisited at that time to be continued if needed or I request it. I had a very good lawyer. What I asked was is this because he may re-marry and some new wife is going to try and get it reduced or altered.. and he said he doesn't have to even remarry, he said that girlfriends and ex-wifes are often upset that he is paying that bitch ex-wife and he got a bad deal and she is going to " fix" it, because after all now she is married to him and he is paying ALL that money to someone who doesn't deserve it.. She can, and has the right according to what you copied to take him back to court.

This may seem harsh to you, and I wish you no ill will, but if any of us here got what you wrote from a wife our exes, it would not be pretty. I would tell you to stay out of it and let your husband deal with it, it is his ex wife, and you married him knowing he paid alimony. AND I hope you were not involved with him before he divorced her.... that is a judgement and you did not say that, and I did not divorce a cheater, but many people here did. Alimony is not a free ride!

I checked your profile after posting, and it says your H had an affair. I am sorry for you because that is painful. I do hope that when he was leaving his first marriage to the wife you are concerned about getting alimony for lifetime, he was not having an affair with you. Because as many people here will tell you, we don't have big sympathy for cheaters, or those they cheat with....

I've read and re read this thread since last night. It was very important to me that I respond rather than react. Each time I read it I had pretty much felt the same response. As MsTerey has already pointed out...many of the women here receive support or maintenance from there ex's. It's really hard to support you in your desire to have your H ex wife cut off. 22 years in a marriage is indeed a life time. I spent 24 years in my marriage..to me that was a life time. Granted I'm only 54 and have quite a few more years yet...but my best years...health and energy wise...has been spent. You say she stopped working to raise her family and care for her husband...since when did that become a negative. Your H should pay her for her labours. Yes...$1700.00 a month may seem like a lot of money but could you live off that? I know I couldn't. You say she wont work and gets free rent from her daughter...but isnt her looking after her grand children and your H grandchildren a respectable job? I'm thinking she earns her so called...free rent.

Another point I would like to make is...this $1700 per month thing...is that the value of broken dreams and broken promises?. I'm sure your H ex wife had dreams...dont we all? I had that dream of sitting on the porch in rocking chairs watching our grandchildren and great grandchildren grow into wonderful adults...I'm betting she did... and... I'm betting you do as well..only yours is with her husband.

I also read your profile and I am so sorry you are having to deal with this...I cant think of anything tougher. I went through the same thing...work place affairs..he claims they were emotional and not physical...I'm not sure which is worse or if I believe that. My ex and I divorced about 6 years ago...got back together...that only lasted 3 years...I was divorced for the second time 16 months ago. My ex wouldnt go to counselling...we were pretty much doomed. I know the heartache and I know the desperation. Rather than spend to much time on whether your H ex gets her rightful maintenance I would focus on why your H did what he did. A year long affair is intentional rather than a mistake. I'm not saying this to hurt you..I'm saying this because i've been there. Watch carefully how he handles this situation and it will give you some idea of what you could expect from him. History has a crazy way of repeating itself.

I dont want you to think that I am attacking you because Im really not. My heart goes out to you in a big way. You have so much on your emotional plate. Sometimes when our lives are falling apart we point a finger at someone or something and think...if this would just go away things will be better. That wont happen. It usually just gets replaced by something else. I spent a lot of years doing that. Big Hugs and welcome to our group...Kathy

For the record, I too was married for 24 years the first time. This is my 2nd marriage. I've always been independent and while I could have gotten alimony from my ex, I took my pride in myself and refused it. I know there will be some out there that will be offended by my comments. And I'm going ot put it out there as to EXACTLY how I feel. If you are capable of earning an income, why would you do it? Why do you feel entitled to your ex-husbands earnings? The marriage didn't work out - and now you're going to make him pay because it didn't work out? Seems like a cop - out to me. Don't get me wrong. If you hadn't worked during the marriage, I DO believe that alimony is needed in order to PREPARE you to GO BACK TO WORK. In this case, 11 years is plenty of time to get yourself back in the work force.

Lastly, I was only asking for experiences any of you may have had with this. While my H and I discuss everything, ultimately the decision is his to make, not mine. It's always been that way. And yes, I knew when I married him that he was paying alimony. WE also knew that it would terminate in 2011. Isn't $224,400 enough already? That's what he'll have paid. I say GET A JOB!

dairytech: I did not say that my H's ex-wife stopped working to raise a family. She stopped working because she was making all kinds of excuses not to work. Let's face- this woman just didn't or doesn't want to work.

As far as shatterd dreams? I can't buy into that after 11 years of being divorced. Everyone has their dreams and while I agree that it's most enjoyable to share it with someone, each person as an individaul is capable of having their our dreams met on a individual basis. Things may change, adjustments must be made, but really? Pay for not having her dreams realizied? Sorry, I'm not going to join that pity party.

I do appreciate that you can see I've got a number of things on my plate. And to be honest, this one is the least important to me. I'm thankful that my H did want to save our marraige and agreed to go to MC.

I have watched this with some interest and I'm sorry but you have triggered some bad feelings from me. I was married for 33 years and I take exception to some of your comments.

Why wouldn't I have some expectation of getting part of our marital assets. Half of his 401k's. I was right there beside him for that 33 years and it wasn't a gravy train. My ex was construction. We moved a lot and that didn't leave time or money for me to go to school. I worked dead end jobs and when I had our daughter I had to quit work. By the time I paid babysitters I could save more at home than I could make working.

We've lived in four states and a lot more small towns; again where there was nothing for me. I paid my dues in our marriage. I bought and sold our trucks, the same with our houses, managed 3 retirement accts. Scheduled all our moves and made sure his life flowed smoothly.

Why would I not have some expectation of being with my ex into old age? Why would I not want part of the assets we both worked for in our own way? Who was to take care of our children? Some sitter that was only there for the money. Even now the ex will tell you I have more common sense than anyone he ever knew. It was stupid to pay out all I could earn just to work when the children needed me at home. I worked harder in my marriage than I ever would outside the home.

Then he went overseas and only got home once a year. I still held to my marriage vows knowing he probably wouldn't because he's only a man and a weak one at that. Then he had a son in the Philippines and I thought we were trying to work thru that. Then I find he's comitted bigamy. You're damn right I went for alimony and my farm. He didn't just shatter my dreams he shattered my life. I get a lot more than 1700 a month and it's tax free too. It takes a lot to keep up the lifestyle he wanted us to have. It takes a lot of money to run this farm. When it sells he will get his share. I still pick up work where I can. I work just as hard or harder than I did when we were married. I earned that alimony and am entitled to it.

As far as your H's ex is concerned that money doesn't cover a lot. Does she have health insurance? How about her meds? What about her food? She probably lives with her children because she can't afford to do anything else.

I have a new wife on my ass too. I've had the ex in court twice this last year and he still can't get out of paying me. Yes, he is a serial cheater. A very well trained cheater who learned from his father and the guys at his local union.

So you chose to not get alimony that you were entitled to. Good for you; but don't make general comments about people who do take alimony. That wasn't just his earnings they were mine too.

My post was not intended to cause pain to anyone. Having been married for 24 years, I know the gravy train you mentioned. But during the 24 years we were married, both my ex and I contributed to our life. Who contributed more? Who cares- they were a joint effort. My ex also worked for the City and made a lot more money than I did. But he's the one that went to work each and every day to make that money for "us". WE are no longer an "us" and I just can't fathom why I would want to take his earnings from him. He deserves them to go on with his life. And he has. Yes, I took 1/2 of his retirement- but only because I had no idea how far in debt he had gotten us. I used it pay off the debts for both of us. I have no doubt that you worked harder on your marriage & I am not saying that raising children isn't a full time job & then some. I raised mine as well. His ex did get half of 401K, retirement and 1/2 the proceeds from the sale of their home. And alimony. Yes, dreams were shattered - but are you going to keep holding onto those dreams even though he's not there? Can't you have "new" dreams? I would think that holding on to dreams that the two of you had is no longer a healthy thing to do. It's like you're still living in the past. What plans do you have for your future? I don't blame you for demanding alimony - it's your right. In the end, the only person that can make you happy is you. Start planning your own dreams - the sky's the limit! I wish you the best in life.

As a joint effort I am also entitled to alimony. We mutually agreed to the terms of our divorce settlement. I am not getting a free ride. I found this farm. I started it from nothing. Absolutely nothing. Bare land with nothing on it. This is and was my dream. He had very little to put into it. He was overseas when I started this. There are very few memories of him on this farm. This is my passion. It is my life and I am fortunate to have it for a while longer. The ex will get his half of every penny that was put into it back to him and then some. I know what I am doing on this farm. Everyday I work to make it hold it's value so we both make money when it does sell.

You know absolutely nothing about me. So I don't see how you can say I'm holding on to dreams we had or that I should make new dreams. I'm not holding onto any dreams we had. This was my dream and I damn well intend to finish it. He left here with no bills to pay and a paid for vehicle. I took over every bill we had. I am very happy with the life I am making for myself. It seems you don't like what I said. I don't live in the past. But I am still caught in the divorce process because he has lied to the woman he comitted bigamy with. I have a lot of empathy for the position he has put her in. She still doesn't know the truth and it's not my place to say anything because she wouldn't believe me.

I am not a bitter person and I am finding the person I used to be before he came into my life. I was only giving some of my backround to let you know where my thinking was coming from. My ex has made some poor choices since our divorce. I don't see why I should have to pay for his poor choices. We have a legal binding contract and like any other bill it has to be paid. Plain and simple. If you had access to my journals you would see that I constantly wish him well and hope he finds happiness in his life. That is not bitterness.

You have not caused me any pain. I just don't like it when someone thinks alimony is not an option. That a woman should walk away without a way to live. To make her life better.

This is pretty simple, we have a 2nd wife who believes that her husband has paid enough to his 1st wife. 1st wife did not work outside the home since 1982, and according to the 2nd wife is a slacker..who may be faking it with medical conditions and according to her alimony is to prepare you to go back to work only and live your own dreams, which at $1700 over x amount of years is a fortune and she should not on the back of a cheater who is now cheating on her.. OK.. now I get it! Oh, and because she wife #2 worked outside the home and raised her children, that makes her better than the rest of you who did not.. Ok she did not say that, but that is what that is about. This is now impeding her lifestyle, what a shame! AND she was married for 24 years and did not get alimony, so she feels that no one should.

AND.. she tells me that I should and anyone else here getting alimony we should get a job,and that we are not living our dreams and that taking our exes earning is interfering with his and our happiness.. or some such BS! AND she ignores my question, did he cheat on wife 1, to be with her, now wife 2. AND now he is cheated on her.. what do you all here that were cheated on say.. once a cheater always a cheater?

So.. why are we answering her or wasting our time?

AND for the record destinedtobe.. I have a job right now, and the maintenance too, I have a bachelors degree that I had before I married him at 26, I made more salary than he did in the beginning, in fact he worked for me. The downpayment on the first house we bought in year 2,was my money premarriage. I put him through school as an adult, we built a life together, and I had no kids and DID not work outside the home for a few years...so that makes me a money grubbing happy divorced person with a good life, a good lawyer and maintenance..Oh and he makes more than enough money to pay me, it was fair, and God help him if any 2nd wife of his takes me on..
I see women like you all the time sitting in court with the new boyfriend or husband when the 1st wife is back trying to get him to pay what he owes, or is trying to get a reduction blah blah.. judge usually tell her to sit down, shut up and if she doesn't like it, get another job to help pay the alimony or child support he wants changed.

By the way this is me being sarcastic to make a point, and the point is this, don't come to well to get water from us, this is the wrong well. That is how I feel.. my opinion, but I am sure I speak for some of us. NONE of us need to justify why we get alimony.. to anyone!

There are exceptions to all situations. I apologize for assuming that the dream was both of yours. Perhaps if I provide a little insight to my post, it will make more sense. During the course of my H's 1st marriage, he ex decided she no longer wanted to work. It was not a joint decision. She used one excuse after another - generally all medical excuses. After he would accompany her to the Dr.'s many, many times to find that there was no merit to her complaints, he just gave up. He tried getting her to volunteer at the kids' school. Nope- she wasn't going to do it. He tried getting her involved at the church - again no. I therefore, came to the conclusion that this gal just plain & simply did not want to have to make a contribution to her marriage, her husband, her kids, etc.. She'd been taking the ride during their marriage and she still wants to take the ride now. I don't want anyone to think that I feel this way for every circumstance. I've said there are exceptions, but in this day and age, being skeptical of one’s' motives that does not do anything to better herself, just plain doesn't merit additional alimony.

Are we bitter? You should really use spell check.

Ms. Terey: Can we say "Bitter"? You really should use spell check- you might get your point across better. So much for that bachelors you're so proud of that you obtained.

touched a lot of buttons with this one.. I look at it.. if I worked at a "JOB" I would get two days off a week, holidays, paid vacations, and its usually 8 hours a day.. Instead it was 24/7 over 27 years.. did I mention with the first option I would also get a pension for life..and no bs attached.. We all have different stories and circumstances.. IMO..most ex's ..on either side will relay history as they want it to be..unless you were best friends you have no idea what actually took place in the home..even then it is questionable..Who would date someone who said I had a perfect marriage, was happy until XYZ happened.. then i dumped him or her.. the history has to be rewritten..thats a fact.. Seems Ms Terey hit a nerve... your response says more than the words

destinedtobe,
This is the wrong support group for you.
Time to move on.