it's just 'noise' i can't define it any better than that. it is not in my ears but my head. i usually notice it when it's quiet - i guess i am so habituated to it i don't notice it until it's silent. i guess that's not really dissociative but it is weird and i just began noticing it lately - the slience i mean. once while talking with lou face-to-face i realized i was distracted because of the internal noise and then suddenly it was gone - but i wasn't sure if it was internal or external, i was befuddled by it. i thought that maybe there was some environmental noise that i wasn't attentive to that ceased - but then again maybe it wasn't external at all. i simply don't know. how can anyone live like this? how the hell have i done it for so long? why doesn't someone just damn shoot me and get it over with - that's a rhetorical question btw, but really it makes me wonder if life is worth the hassle.
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