I don't understand why she is doing this. I don't care if I invaded her privacy by reading her journal, what I found out in it, I don't know what to make of. She had another episode of Diabetic Ketoacidosis, and no one knew about it. It nearly killed her last summer. To the point where the doctors didn't know if she would survive for the first 24 hours she was in the hospital. And she said, "I was scared I was going to die right there, but not nearly as much as injecting." I'm so scared I'm going to lose my sister and there isn't anything I can do about it. I used to see it more from her side, that she has a mental illness. That what she sees in the mirror isn't the same as what we see. She kept calling herself a "fat cow". She's so skinny now. And every night, she spends most of her time in front of the fridge and binge eating in front of the T.V. "She's sick." They would tell me all the time. "She can't help it." I'm done. As bad as it sounds, I don't want her around anymore. I can't watch her do this to herself. I can't believe that some people would literally die to be skinny. The sad part is that it's more complicated for a diabetic. The amazing dancer that my sister is, and wants to open a dance school. Dance is her life. And she could lose her feet. And her eye sight. She's going to lose what makes her want to live before she actually dies, and she knows it. I don't know what to do. Because I know there's nothing I can do. Her demon has taken over her completely. I don't even know who my sister is, because it's her disease that actually speaks to me and walks around my house, and the disease that says "I like my eating disorder. It's who I am." We can't deny that anymore. My real sister has been gone for a long time. And this is the first time that I feel like the last bit over her that I think was tucked away in the back of her head fighting to get free and take control of her life, has died. I'm preparing myself for the worst, but it's already like a ghost I see walking around. It's like she's already gone but I can still hear and see her. A reminder that I once had a sister. I'm mourning her already. But once that reminder is gone, I don't know what I'd do. My sister will always have a place in my heart. But it's getting emptier every day. Her body's death will be the harsh truth that my sister really is gone and she's never coming back. It's a real shame that I never knew her. That I would never be able to get to know her.
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