I'm a pretty wretched person when it comes to jealously. My friend is about to have a baby.. its not so much I'm happy for her than I look forward to being an "auntie." I'll love her child and protect her, never resenting the child, but my friend a little, for the fact she can have what I can never allow myself to hope for. To have a family... its something I yearned for when I allowed myself decent thoughts. I guess I can't help my maternal instincts, but I wish I could. Hopeing for fantasies are always what put me into a depression. It's hard not to hate myself and feel wretched when I see her face lit up; how much worse will it be when I look down on my little goddaughter?
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