many of you know i have been in bad shape recently... i am trying so hard to get better and have a follow up appointment at the doctor next week... i can't tell anyone how bad it has been. i can only say if someone had wanted to pull the plug on my life. i would have said go ahead please. i had a very strange relationship with a man for the last 18 years. we started out wonderful and with lots of love in the beginning. then after about 2 years he wanted no intimacy at all and this was a big bone of contention... finally he told me he was impotent as i have already stated and i believed him.. i accepted him anyway since he was my best friend on this planet. he lived with me until 3 years ago when i found out he had an affair with a woman. this was just a one night stand thing but i made him move out of my house. since we had adopted three little rescue dogs from a bichon rescue i had to let him have a key to the house so he could come and feed them... then in the last few weeks my neighbor said all he has done is run in here for 10 minutes and then he leaves. so what good is he as far as the dogs are concerned? then 3 weeks ago i find out why he has had no time for them... so me and my dogs have been going it alone. what upsets me the most is that i spent all those years with such a worthless person. a person that never seen or cared for my needs. a person that paid some vet bills and mowed my grass and washed my car. never did my needs mean a thing to him.. why did i settle for so little? to allow him to stay in my life another 3 years and finally do this to me.. cause me to feel like a worthless human being... my self esteem is on the ground. i am so filled with hate again. i can't stand feeling hatred for anyone but i feel it for him..... i have to get past this.. i just have to..... i am not in love with this man.. i just feel i have been so used and abused all these years. neglected and starved for affection.... what a loser he is!!! if i get over this i will never allow another person to treat me in this manner. at the first hint of neglect he is out of my life. i will never settle for nothing as i have all these years.... i hope the day comes when i can wish him well but right now i wish him to run off a cliff.... many may think this is mean but this man robbed me of many years of my life.... years i could have used to make a real life for myself.. instead i allowed a sick twisted up man so sexually messed up that he has messed me up in this way as well.... i must be the most co dependent person living... .
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