I haven't seen my son in 7 years. He was 10 years old when me and his dad divorced. My ex was very abusive to me in every way imaginable. I was a great mom. I did all of the things a good mother is supposed to do, i.e...play ball with my kids, help them with their homework, read to them, tuck them in at night, etc. When I left my ex he had my son put in a mental hospital for 3 days so I couldn't touch him while he went and got temp custody of him. I couldn't sign him out of the hospital because I wasn't the one that put him in. I tried, didn't work. The last time I saw my baby boy he was curled up in a chair crying and he asked me,"mom why did you put me in here?" i tried telling him that I didn't. My time was up after that and they made me leave. I will never forget my son like that. He was a mama's boy. Him and I always done everything together. I tried contacting him through the years but his dad sent back my letters,email, etc. I found my son's myspace page a few months ago and I tried contacting him. He doesn't want anything to do with me now. He has sent me nasty letters every time I try to contact him. I have a feeling that he is feeling like I abandoned him. But I didn't ! I have cried myself to sleep every night since I last saw him. I can't look at a photo of him without breaking down. Sometimes I will come across something that he made me when he was in grade school and I can't stop crying. I am in major depression and don't know what to do about it. I don't sleep most nights, I don't eat, i don't socialize because I don't want anyone in my life anymore. My husband and other son that is grown just don't understand how I feel and expect me to move on. I can't. The hurt is too great. Sometimes it threatens to consume me and all I can think about is dying. I am so tired of hurting and feeling like this. Like I am spiraling down a great black hole with no bottom. I know that I need counseling but we can't afford it.People keep telling me that once my son is grown he will seek me out, but I have my doubts. He is now 17 and doesn't want anything to with me. His memories consume me and I can't stand it anymore. I just want the hurt and pain to go away.
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