It would make me feel so much better. I don't think that I can feel anything anymore, but I'm pretty sure that if I could get one of my dad's good, old fashion type beatings for no good reason it would make me feel so much better. I know it sounds really sick. But even self cutting doesn't give me the kinda of physical pain that I need to feel alive. I can remember that when my real father was all pissed off about something he would beat the living crap out of me and not matter how I felt prior to the beatings I always felt so much better after them. When I would regain conscounsiness I would feel alive and the bruises and such were like badges of courage and things I could show off. I mean this was the 50's so no adult ever did anything (a man's castle) and such, but having something out side of the inner pain was great and the boys in the neighborhood liked me cause I could take a pouch like a guy.....sweet...and it took forever to get over those beatings...and I felt alive. not numb like a I do now. When my husband beat me an office mate reported him and the beating stoped, but can any one relate to feeling alive with the pain???
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