I see all the bullshit that is happening to me, and I can't help but ask "why me?" Why in the hell do I have to suffer like a friggin dog every single day of my life? What is the point of trying anymore? I don't want to do this anymore. I don't care that I haven't experienced more in life, I just want this miserable existence to be over with. I don't want to wake up in the morning and go paint my grandfather's barn. I don't want to be around those insane people, I can't handle the tension I feel when I'm around them. They know too much about me and could turn on me at any given second. I don't need the stress...but I have no choice unless I can grow the balls to end this crap. If only I had a bit of encouragement, I could finally have that sweet sweet peace and quiet that I seek so desperately. All I have to do is commit myself to doing it, and keep my mind completely blank, and maybe I can do it. I don't even know why I'm bothering to post this...mainly just to be heard I guess. There is no help for me...tried every avenue I had...the hospital, mental institutes, medications, doctors, therapists, councilors....none of it will help me. If anything, it has only caused me more emotional problems. They make you smarter about things...and you notice them clearly after learning about them, which makes you even more upset. I don't know why this has to be so miserable and difficult. I don't know what I did wrong...but again, I ask, "why me?" That is the last sane comment I've got left. Everything else in my head is warped beyond fixing and I'll be miserable until I die, and even possibly then too...who knows?
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