I decided today not to strat another year, just to end it once and for all. I went out to the area of the basement where I am staying, removed the panel from the drop cieling and let the pre-tied rope fall down. I put my head through and looked down to take that last step toward ending the pain....and thats when I realized that I don't even deserve to die. I hate myself and want to punish myself so much that I actually decided that living was the worst thing I could think to do to myself. Death would be a sweet reward and I certainly didn't deserve that! So I am sitting here, my partner asleep on the couch, the dogs huddled near the bed scared to death, and I have nowhere to turn and nobody....I hate myself so badly. I stopped taking my allery medicine to make it a little more painful. Even sleep seems to good for me now. I want it all to end, to get better finally or to die. after being alone and on my own since I was 14 (now 30) I have come full circle....again homeless in a matter of days, no money, family , food, shelter, friends, just me and the clothes on my back, and those two dogs I fear I will loose now that I cant feed or shelter them. 16 years of trying, having faithe that tomorrow will be the day things get better and I am just sooo tired, so damn tired and angry at myself for letting this all happen.
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