I decided today not to strat another year, just to end it once and for all. I went out to the area of the basement where I am staying, removed the panel from the drop cieling and let the pre-tied rope fall down. I put my head through and looked down to take that last step toward ending the pain....and thats when I realized that I don't even deserve to die. I hate myself and want to punish myself so much that I actually decided that living was the worst thing I could think to do to myself. Death would be a sweet reward and I certainly didn't deserve that! So I am sitting here, my partner asleep on the couch, the dogs huddled near the bed scared to death, and I have nowhere to turn and nobody....I hate myself so badly. I stopped taking my allery medicine to make it a little more painful. Even sleep seems to good for me now. I want it all to end, to get better finally or to die. after being alone and on my own since I was 14 (now 30) I have come full circle....again homeless in a matter of days, no money, family , food, shelter, friends, just me and the clothes on my back, and those two dogs I fear I will loose now that I cant feed or shelter them. 16 years of trying, having faithe that tomorrow will be the day things get better and I am just sooo tired, so damn tired and angry at myself for letting this all happen.
Posts You May Be Interested In
Feeling pretty bad today. I'm exhausted in every way. Tired of living this life where nothing changes or gets better despite how much I try. Had a bad life all my life and I'm just tired of being here.