Your topic does matter. I know that I was miserable for so long..being happy one day was a scary thought. What would people expect of me if I were happy. Would they hurt again if they only got a glimpse of the old me for one day or one hour. What is it like to go outside again and want to be there? I understand why the dark can be so comforting I really do.

I think I know exactly what you are saying. I have hidden behind it for far too long. I became agoraphobic nearly 4 years ago too. Really, I could go out, I could see 'real' people in the 'real' world. It takes no real effort to lay on my sofa all day and night year after year. It's safe and comfortable here, I'm used to it.
The fighting to get out of the pit seems just too much effort.
I am 56, you are young, please make the effort, get help, lean on us. Don't waste your life. The only thing to be terrified of is fear itself.
It's your decission, please make the right one for you.

I think your confusion is very well put. The darkness does become familiar...like an old friend. An evil old friend. But there you are. Maybe the longer you stay in the light, the more of a friend it can become too.

just so you know you are not alone

I am in my last 3 classes of school, i work full time and have a teenage son, who is the love of my life, and a handful also

I frittered away so much time instead of doing what I knew needed to be done as far as homework

there was this nagging,and a horrible knot in my stomach, I suffered, but did nothing about it til the last second

The back of my mind was saying, "It's almost over, it's almost done, just do it, just finish..." and I can't seem to do it unless I am in a full panic mode

I stress and worry and make myself miserable over things that really aren't gonna be that bad and are beneficial to me in the long run

did I go on too much?

I'm bumping. You deserve more replies.

i know what you're all saying. as always, it helps to get it out of my head and to have someone else acknowledge that they understand or that they've at least listened.

there have been times where i would have given the world to just feel okay for an hour, let alone a day, or a week, a month...etc

My mind was in a devastatingly dark place last year, and fortunately I've only had two real instances where I was honestly concerned about my well-being this year.

But, I feel like right now, when I'm not distraught, I'm not comfortable.
Part of me wants to go back there because it's what I understand. It's what many have come to understand of me. But I know nothing good will come out of that. I don't have the time to fall down right now. I have to finish classes. I have to get credits transferred so I can graduate on time. There are all these things that need to be done. And I think you raised a great point, what will people expect of me when I actually feel good?

What do I expect of me when I actually feel good? It's so foreign. It seems that which I can most easily accomplish is dragging myself back down into the darkness.

What's wrong with me? I know the answers to all these questions. Logically I most always know what needs to be done to be healthy, but as soon as emotions towards myself come into play I become inept.

Sorry, that was just more ranting.

what you are sharing is so helpful to me too.

thanks! :)

thank you clutter, simple gestures make all the difference to me

bump

i'm on a further path towards sabotage today :-(

sent you a "hug"