Its too long but basically once again I am left to pick up the pieces of a relationship i screwed up. Its soo much deeper then that. I cant even begin to explain it because im so torn up about things. I am under alot of stress of fixing a home i just bought and with work and family. I had 3 friends of mine pass away this year alone. One died in a 4 wheeler accident drunk one ended up OD'ing and in the hospital with a brain anurism and 1 committed suicide on friday of the same week. Also my ex girlfriend OD'd and died earlier this year. I myslef am a recovering addict clean for almost 7 years. I think I have this addictive personality. I ended up hanging out with an ex girlfriend of my brothers a year and a half later. We kept it a secret for a year and a half and she wanted me to commit and make it known we were togethor. I wasnt sure what to do so i put it off. Now i said F it I am willing to deal with whatever comes from it because i truly feel like i love her. So i tell her this and guess what. Its too late she tells me. I am at the point of why bother. I feel like everyday is more painful then the rest. If i wasnt so worried about hurting my parents and family I would drive into oncoming traffic. Problem is I wouldnt want to hurt the other driver either. I feel so disgusted in everything. I have everything I could want as far as material things but its worthless to me. I dont know what will make me happy but I know im sick of looking and im tired of being hurt and alone and depressed and suicidal. I coulnt even begin to list all the issues I think i have but this is just whats going on now. I wish I could just smoke crack and forget about everything but I dont want to hurt my family that way either. I think of ways to kill myself that look accidental so I can save face when I am found. I hate being on here but I feel like I am willing to try something different. I feel like i turned my life around and now im not good enough. I was better off being a drug addict and fitting in with people. :( I dont know what to do. I love this girl and she cant see it. I cant get her off my mind and everything I do reminds me of her. The worst part is she was awesome to me and never did anything wrong to deserve how I treated her. But I wont have a chance to make it better. Shes through with it.
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