It's been 30 years of a miserable rollercoaster ride of one day feeling as if all is ok, I'm stable, positive and feel great only to wake up the next day (yes, today) and not be able to get out of my own way. I had to leave work early because I was so agitated, emotional and depressed. I came home, dropped on the couch, got a little bored, went onto the computer, and have been pacing all day not knowing what to do with myself. I get these irrational thoughts like should I trade in my car for a different one; maybe I should relocate again; should I quit working and do nothing (again) for a while; should I just go to bed--it goes on an on. I know tomorrow is a new day. I know this will pass. I know I've felt this way a million times before yet when it hits, boy, does it hit. I think about suicide, ways to make it all go away, and I know it's simply ridiculous. It's just so tiring. I just want to crawl out of my skin. It will never end. This is what I'm in for for the rest of my life. I know all of you know exactly what I'm talking about. Why doesn't it get any easier even after all the docs, med changes, life pattern adjustments and everything else? Who the hell can stand this?! Sorry, I know all of you are coping with your own baggage...just needed to write this down and vent. Bless all of you.
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