There is a distinct difference between the way you are treated by someone you are in a relationship with, and the way you are treated by someone who's fucking you. If you're using sex as a weapon to hold people at arms length, then, inevitably, you're going to get used and never experience sex with affection. I don't know how to respond to affection, it's been so long since I actually felt like someone enjoyed my company that I've forgotten how to be gentle, and kind, and I've built up this barrier around myself that no one can penetrate, and I don't even know how to lift it. Behind this barrier, I'm so yearning to be close to someone - but because it feels safer to be alone, I push them away.

So, what is wrong with me? My therapist would tell you that I have depression. That the reason I wake up in the morning and can't face going to a school I LOVE is because of some chemical inbalance in my brain. How can chemicals make me hate myself? I don't understand.

How then, am I to stop feeling so crap? I've written angry poetry. I've been to councelling. I've tried positive thinking. I'm not suicidal, I've watched families suffer the aftermath of suicide, and so know that I could never bring myself to do it. I hate myself, not them.