I have so many things I want to discuss and I promised a few people that I would make a phone call to a counselor. However for certain reasons I do not feel comfortable or safe calling the only available couselors that I know. So I searched the net and found this site. I hope this helps.

I have been depressed (undiagnosed officially) since I was a kid. I barely graduated high school b/c I never wanted to go. I didn't complete my first year of college and dropped out. I got married and had children hoping to finally have a family. Within five years I was divorced and thought my life was over. I found a way to maintain my job and advance, but I'm not happy. I went through a few short relationships and quickly gave up when I felt nothing. After seven years I finally met someone that makes me feel good about myself. I'm feeling things that I have never felt.

When I first realized what I was feeling I got nervous, actually severe anxiety. I used alcohol to level my mood, bring it back down. It's funny how when i'm depressed I try to use alcohol to feel better. Then when I get a feeling of elation I want to bring myself back down by drinking. The thing is I was pushing people away and trying to avoid getting hurt. I have difficulty trusting others. . . trusting that they won't use my compassion/loyalty to hurt me. I just want to feel that someone will think about me before they act in a way that I will be hurt or betrayed.

I don't know, I'm going to stop writing now. I don't think this makes sense anyhow. Trying to cram a life story into a blog just doesn't seem to work.