Today I woke up at my usual 4am feeling rather chipper. As most mornings go I'm usually dragged and half dead on my feet...but this morning was different. You see I have a friend that I get to see on Fridays cuz our shifts cross paths one day a week."Mark" and I get together and he listens to my rants and insecurities. I get to work almost an hour early just so we can talk . I find the time a great tool against my pain. He's a young man of 34 with a 4 year old sweetheart. The pictures he's shown me made my heart melt to mush ...she's sooooo cute. Daddies little girl...more like girls little daddy. I missed my ride in so instead of being just on time for work I nudged my wife out of bed and said it's Friday and I missed my ride can you take me to work "Mark" is there. I get to work and enter the employees room...no "Mark". So I waited and still he was a no show. I go to the dispatchers window and ask where he is...did he call in sick? The dispatcher not saying a word motioned to a notice. "Mark" killed himself!! He was the only one (male) who understood me and my problems and he killed himself!!!!!! I feel so alone ripped off and a whole host of other emotions I can't put words to. Why do I fdeel this way I sound selfish. What of his wife and 4 year old daughter. What's the point you reach out for help and you get a false sense of belonging. The only person here I could trust and he kills himself?? He didn't even tell me he was hurting...not a word. But here I am spilling my troubles out on an already troubled person I feel like such a shit. Maybe I'm part to blame for his suicide.
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