i try to fight the need to die but its always there and getting stronger again. i know that the loss of control is round the corner. i have made my plans. i have made so many bad decisions in my life its time i made a good one. my children are grown now and they two have left home and the youngest is going to the army soon. they wanted away from their dad who is an alcoholic. i feel so guilty as i chose their dad. at xmas he was drunk for a ful;l fortnight and i was so embarrassed in front of my children as i gave them this dad. they have in spite of him turned out fantastic. he says its my fault that he drinks so i feel guilty about that too. i have let so many people down i feel i dont really belong in this world. i want the pain i feel to go away and i cant see any other way out. my pdoc has told me at the end of the day she cant stop me so it seems she doesnt mind. she asked me whats stopping me and i said i didnt know. i realise now what is stopping me. NOTHING.
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