i've ben having a lot of suicidal thoughts lately. I don't know why though. I always keep a safe staff of things 'in case' I need them is that makes sense. Sometimes I make differnt small cock tales to make me go to sleep, but I know it's not enough to kill myself.. But sometime the thoughts are so strong that I dont trust myself. My therapist knows and she thinks I have the resources ti reach our,,,but I don't think I do. I don't have any close friends and my famiyl isn't supportive and would just be hostile to me. I wish these thoughts would go away. I don't knw how much longer I can ask. I feel like such a horrible human being. I feel so understanding. I feel I deserve to be dead, but I'm scared to do it on my own. The thoughts were so strong tonight that I made a few cocktales with some pills but I know it's not enough to kill myself, just enough to me me sleepy, which I feel it now. anyways, whatever. I'm just scared I huess. Actually more numb. I wish I could have a positive journal entry, but I'm just being honest.y
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Feeling pretty bad today. I'm exhausted in every way. Tired of living this life where nothing changes or gets better despite how much I try. Had a bad life all my life and I'm just tired of being here.