i have been so depressed lately, and today i was hyper and depressed (mixed episode) and the hyperness just makes the depression worse because it makes those negative thoughts run faster through your head, it like racing negative thoughts, terrible. i want to just end it, i'm just so tired of this. i'm tired of dealing with it, i've been going in and out of depression for 10 years now and nothing i do to help myself ever works, it always blows up in my face. i don't care about anything right now, i'm already on a sebaticle from work and no one knows it, i just go to the library or the mall when i'm supposed to be at work and i just wander aimlessly around not looking at anything in particular, just staring into space. i don't think this is ever going to end, unless i do it myself, but i haven't made up my mind yet, i've already somewhat tried twice, i cut both of my wrists, down the main vein, but i just couldn't get it deep enough, so if my next attempt happens, it will be with sleeping pills. i just don't know what to do anymore, it seems like the only option.
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