So the gist of it is I was supposed to move in to a friends house and test it out for a month. She never contacted me the weekend that I was supposed to move in. I sent her angry texts . Two hours later I regretted it and called her and left a message. She unfriended me and refused to respond to anything that I said in text.
I went to her house and her roommate let me in . Her husband said that they were having dinner and I should come back later. I said I live 1/2 hour away and can't come back later. He was rather hostile. I came over unannounced obviously. So I went straight up to my friend and I said that it is silly for us to stop being friends because we had an argument and a misunderstanding . I reminded her that I left a message stating that I apologized for the way I texted her. She said that she never even listened to the message. She never heard the apology. I told her that I came here because I thought our friendship was worth trying to salvage. I told her that I've had friends for a decade where we've pissed each other off and had to say we were sorry to each other. One fight is not a reason to break up a friendship. I reminded her that I told her many times she ever needed me I would always be there.
She acted like she was a fragile china doll. She even claimed that I was nasty to her on her birthday and even prior to that. I was never nasty to her . Never. I was in tremendous pain during the trip for her birthday. She claimed even her friends thought I was nasty. Apparently they don't know the difference between somebody being nasty and somebody in tremendous amounts of pain trying just to get to the car. But I was never intentionally nasty to her on her birthday or at any point during our friendship with the exception of the text that I sent recently.
Her roommate said she's on pills for stress. I looked at him like he was an idiot and said really so am I. Then I turned back to my friend . Her roommate said she didn't respond to you and that was the answer. she didn't want to talk to you she needs time. So I turned to my friend and said that's fine. If you need time you can have time . But remember this is no reason for us to end our friendship . I left after that.
I was sitting in my car thinking about everything and not just the situation with my friend . I was thinking about my mental and physical disabilities . I was thinking about how trapped I felt in my parents apartment. I was thinking about how or if I would ever work again. I was thinking about how unfair it was for me to have both a mental and physical disability. I started to doubt myself and was wondering if I was nasty to her. Later on I spoke to my other friends and ask them if I was ever nasty to them. The answer was no. Even when I was in a bad mood or pain, they could tell the difference between me in pain or being nasty, something I never am.
But I suddenly started to feel suicidal and called the suicide hotline just so I could talk to someone. I also talked to several friends after who made me feel a lot better. My one friend is an angel. She literally talked me out of my plan to kill myself. That is the kind of friend that I need. Not the one that won't make a phone call like the one I had to visit at her house just to have a conversation.
Shelley has no idea how good she has it. Yes she has mental health issues and back issues. Guess what? So do I only mine are so bad that I can't work right now. She hates her job but at least she can do her job and has a job. She has a house and a husband and two dogs that can have a yard to run into. I live in a tiny fucking apartment with my parents and it makes me want to kill myself . I am always alone in my struggles and she is surrounded by people to help her. I wanted to smack her upside the head and tell her you have no idea how good you have it.
I don't know if she will call me one day. She will probably text me because she prefers texting. That's the reason she didn't listen to my message. If I do hear from her again, our friendship will be very limited. Which is a real shame because it was going very well prior to all of this. Was I wrong for showing up at her house unannounced? That's up for debate. I feel that it was the right thing to do . It was the only way to feel like there was a resolution since she would not respond to anything I said.
I'm not really much of a prayer person but today was such a terrible day that I decided to pray and as soon as I was getting done with my prayer my angel friend called me, the one who talked me out of the idea of killing myself. Sometimes I wonder if there are greater forces or even a God that does care about us. Anyway that's how it went. It's over now. Now my focus is on getting well and getting back to work. And I definitely need new friends and to cultivate relationships with the friends that still care about me.
i just don't see how any of this can ever get any better.It still all has me in its sharp talons of memory of trying to forget.How long do i have to sit and process?i don't want to "sit with the feelings".i have been trying to do that for years.i guess i am not working hard enough.i feel so desperate.
Hey everyone. I haven't been on here much lately since my father died and everything with the pandemic. I want to feel like I can contribute words that will give comfort to others but I just don't feel like I have any right now. But I got to get all this out. So this might be a long post. Thanks in advance if you read part or all of it.A friend of mine turned out not to be such a great friend...