why is it that no matter how much the world claims to be on my side, i still feel alone? It's like, I dont even want to look ppl in the eyes anymore. I feel like I'm the only one who truely loves and cares about me, but that doesnt feel like enough. Sure, i've been a "loner" pretty much all my life, but i'm going back into that stage where I dont want anyone around, but i expect them to still be there for me.I dont even know how to tell my bf that I hate it when he's gone cus he'll always make a little joke and I'll get offended. I feel bad becus I'm always pushing him and everyone else away, and making myself feel lost. I feel lonely. I cant bring myself to go to the counsellors and be reminded that I should start antidepressents. I feel ashamed of that. I dont want to rely on pills to help me with this biological problem. And it's the biological asshole that caused it. Because of my BD, I wish I wasnt born. and having my sis constantly trying to say he's both of ours' father pisses me off. my counsellor did say something I agreed with, my life wont start till I get away from my family. And it wont. I wish I could find someway of getting on student welfare or something. I've skipped so much school this year already, I'm surprised I havent been suspended yet. a letter has already been sent out about it, and I hope my mom doesnt see it. I'm afraid of everything going wrong. I know I'm depressed, but it's like the dr and stuff doing their jobs isnt helping me. there's got to be a temporary way to help me feel better until the psycologist can see me. what do I have to do? put a gun to my head and say I'll kill myself if I dont get help soon. well they should be glad I dont own a gun. I cant talk to anyone here because they dont listen. I tried talking to my sis, but then she just starts talking about how she thinks she is depressed and stuff becus she's a single mother and blah blah. somedays i feel like telling her she should've kept her goddamn legs closed. I just feel horrible right now. It's gonna be a long night. I dont even want to go to school tomorrow.maybe i'll stay up all night and then just phone my mom tomorrow saying i didnt get to sleep. but then she'd tell me that it was because of the comp. I could always force myself to throw up or something. Idk what to do, I'm just tearing up right now.
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