I started going to therapy when I was 14 and stopped when i was 28. I am now 35 and have started to experience PTSD from my rape from when I 16 with my ex boyfriend. I feel like I am reliving that day over and over. I've had a troubled relationship with my family and I told my sister (Karen) about my rape for the first time last year in May. I told her she was in the house the day it happened and she took that as in I was blamming her. The day I told her, we were sitting in front of a bar and she started yelling at me that I couldn't blame her. I repeatedly told her I didn't and that I was only trying to explain to her when it happened and why I didn't tell anyone. You see I had no one back then, I was alone. In the days that followed that conversation, she had started telling people about my rape and that I blammed her for it. I have received phone calls from people upset about the whole thing. Mutual friends have stopped talking to me. All I did was try to tell her something personal that happened to me and she is using my rape against me.
We have another sister (Michelle) who I've told how much depression this has caused me. But she has not taken me serious no matter how many times I've told her. She even once told me, my rape can't compare to another friends (who was raped by her father). Like, who says that kind of stuff, true or not. Michelle and I used to be much closer, but she too much into her own life to even ask me how I'm doing (it's been at least 6 months). I've tried hard to continue my relationship with Michelle but she makes no effort to keep our plans or even pick up my calls. I know she has her own life and own problems, but it hurts to know she's being there for Karen (recently divorced) and can not even pick up the phone for me when she knows how depressed I've been since last year.
I've lost another friend (chris) he is mutual friends with Karen and me. Chris has been like family to me for the last 15 years. He recently got closer to Karen because of her divorce. I had been crying to Chris for over a year about how depressed I'd been over things with Karen. Chris has never been one to talk much, but it got to the point that I no longer felt comfortable talking to him. One weekend he'd come visit me and another weekend he'd visit Karen. Chris has always known what kind of person Karen is (the definition of a Karen). But he had started to make me feel like he didn't believe anything I was saying. He never said it to me but the fact that he started becoming closer friends with her knowning that she was telling people lies about me made me feel that way. Early last month I decided to stop talking to him because him hanging out with her was really affecting me. I called him and explained to him that I felt like I couldn't talk to him anymore and didn't want to put him in the middle of things. It was a long coversation and he told me that when I talk about Karen that it's like I'm talking about someone else (this is how he made me feel like he doesn't believe me) I told him I just couldn't be friends with him anymore. He then told me he would stop talking to her. I told him that was not an option bc that would not fix anything. When I was ending the call I told him I was serious about not talking to him and he responded with "well you've done this before." He obviously didn't see to understand how crazy this is all making me.
It feels like people make my rape seem like it was so insignificant just because it was someone I knew. I feel dehumanized. I feel so alone with no one to talk to. After a year of telling people how I was feeling I stopped. I felt like I was begging friends and family to help me and then I gave up. 2 years ago I moved away for a job. I live about 2 hours away from my sisters and friends. My closest friend is about 1 hour away, and because of COVID it's been hard to make new friends where I live. Most days I find myself thinking about my rape over and over because that is what caused the chain of events. My rape is something I never really delt with. You see I had all other types of problems growing up that when the rape happened my first thought was "of course this would happen to me". I had no one then and I have no one now. 7 days a week I start crying out of no where. I honestly feel like my existance doesn't even matter. If I died no ones life would change. I have no kids, no bf, and my connection with friends and family has significantly diminished (even before covid). I started having suicidal thoughts when I was first 3 years old (yes 3) and started self harming around 11 yrs old. I was a very unwanted child, and my mother reminded me of it everyday. I eventually cut ties with her when I turned 26 (not that she cared). At 20 I was in an abusing relationship and began to experience panic attacks, anxiety attacks and later PTSD from the abuse. I eventually stopped self harming around 25. At 26 I was diagnoses with RA and was often in pain, immobile and some days confined to a bed. Again I had to say "of course this would happen to me." But I also often ask why me, why again? So why am I here today, writing this message? Because I don't want to be sucidal again. I refuse to do it all again. The panic attacks, the PTSD, the self harming, the suicidal thought. But in reality its not really a matter of if its a matter of when it'll all start again. I don't know how to smile anymore. When I talk to people I feel like an imposter because I'm hiding how I feel. I am trying hard on my own, I listen to podcasts, I mediate, I work out everyday (run 3-4 miles) I try to stay busy the best I can. But everything leads to the same thing, me crying. I'm literally on the treadmill and I start crying like a new born baby. I don't know how to control my emotions. I get lost in my days and often feel numb to things that would make me laugh. One day I feel sad, another I feel crazy. I don't feel like any of this can be fixed. I don't have any family member left. I don't want to think about my rape anymore. I just don't know how to make it stop. I don't know that therapy will help this time.
My anxiety is over flowing I don't know what to do I'm so tired I'm trying to look after my wife who as a broken ankle both of her knees are swollen can not even walk with a frame. I'm doing what I can to help and run the house but I'm finding it difficult to cope my health is bad I just want to sit and cry I'm so fed up.
This is the first time I've ever done anything online this way, but I'm already extremely grateful for the few posts I've read. I'm reminded that this is a difficult time for everyone, not just me, as my thoughts try to convince me. I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder for over 20 years and after making big changes in my life, I am experiencing "new" symptoms such as waking with intense...