some of you might know me and are my friends from other groups that i am involved in., but no one i think knows my whole story . i am opening up to everyone because i am sick of fighting for me life. anymore i just want to give in and hang up the towel.if you have the time and the patience to listen to my story you will understand the reasons i just want to die. i have been battling with depression my whole life because there hasn't been alot in my life that was happy. i grew up with parents who were alcoholics and drug addicts and cared for nothing but getting there next fix. leaving me to fend for myself. we were homleess. me while i dealt hunger cold i also had to deal with the physical and sexual abuse that my dad would put me through. the abuse was so bad that i was even stabbed by my own father 2 time before i got away. once in my left hand which the knife penetrate right through to the other side. leaving a scare that i have to see every day to remind me of my horrors. along with the many other scares that are placed throughout my body. Then one day i thought it might be all over because we were going to move in with my uncle. who was also physically abusive to me. we were shortly thrown back on the streets.then sometime latter we were welcomed into another uncles house. At ;least i was warm and dry. food on the other hand was left to me to get for myslf along with clothing.. Then the warm house that i was so greatful to be in became a prison for me and my other (girl ) cousins who lived there. it became my dads and uncle own brothel. swithching daughters back and forth night after night to sexual abuse them. being locked in clothset so we wouldn't try to escape. the abuse of being tied to chairs and forced to watch them either beat or sexually abuse others still haunt me. knowing the next time it would be me. Finally after several years the cops showed up arrested uncle and dad and i was put in an orphanage. where any time someone would come to seek a child we were lined up and humiliate by being left behind. finally i was pick and though i would finally get a good home,but my dream once again was soon smashed. when i was told by the people who took me that they were not going to adopt me because it was better to have a foster child because they would get paid for keeping me.;i was not even there a year when the abuse started in their home and i call social service and no one believed me. i was told within 2 weeks of moving in to start to call them mom or dad or i could pack up my shit and live on the streets again. there was no sexually abuse but physical ,emotional and neglect always. i didn't know what to do since no one believed me but my closest friend . at the age of 16 and a half i ran away with some friends to california. there living on the streets being a buskers( a street performer ) with my friends. while on the streets a was brutaly rapes and left to die. i was found and save by a stranger. who offered me and my freinds to perform in his bar. So we did. making money and finally getting off the streets. we finally were going some where . we got anther offer to play at another joint. the night before we were to play my drummer shot and killed my best friend Rose who was in the band too. then end of that dream . then a few months latter an earthquake hit distorying my apartment buliding and condemning. once again on the streets. what money i had left over i came back to my home town. just find out that my father and uncle had been released from jail. I finally found someone who i thought loved me . he treated me like a Queen. then 2 years into the relationship the abuse started there to. i don't know maybe i have a neon sign on my head that says i like abuse if interested in the job please apply here. Finally leaving him and ending on the streets once again. HERES THE ONLY GOOD PART OF THE STORY. i ran into an old friend and he helped me get back on my feet and gave me the first home i had ever been in where i wasn't abuse in anyway. 2 yrs latter he asked me to marry him. i of course said yes. i thought for once my life had change for the good,but it didn't last long the year that we were to get married . i was in a car accident a week before wedding and honey moon also that same year i started getting ill. i went through doc after doc and noone knew what was wrong all i heard was i was so young and that lease things shouldn't be happening to me. i finally lost my job to illness and was even told by adoctor that she thought i should quit. then i was dignosed with MS and RA. i have been trying to fight to get S.S. for 5 yrs and they keep deynie me because at the time that i lost my job. iwasn't dx yet. i just got the lastest deynie yesterday. everyone in my life has always told me that i am a fight a survivor a strong person,i might have survived i might have fought,but a strong person i am NOT. i always had hope but i don't have that anymore. this sentence about to write may piss some people off but this is how i feel. you know the church says it a sin to abort a baby and that it's not write because the child has a right to live. If i knew now what i didn't know in my moms womb then, i think i would have wrapped the umbilical cord around my own neck... i don't want to fight fo my life anymore i just want to live it,but i guess i am destine to suffer my whole life.
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