Since I got home, I've felt like crap. Sunday we had a gathering at my house of friends of the family. I didn't feel like socializing, I didn't feel like doing anything. Staring into space was about all I could bring myself to do. My dad knew something was wrong, I just told him it was nothing I wanted to read, my cover. I know that's wrong, but how do I explain to him I just have a desire to do nothing? Well, Monday came. It was horrible. School was horrible because I was so lost for having missed a week of school. I got to english class, mind you it is a College Level english class, and everything fell apart. My teacher was so indignant that I didn't have work done. She wouldn't give it to me before I left. I mean come on, how do I get it done if I don't have it. Well I went to work after school, and I spent all night up working on homework after it. I was freaking out, my dad tried his best to tell me it would all be okay, but I knew better. I didn't get all of my homework done, and it was bad today at school. I'm still lost, I'm struggling to get work done, and all I can think of is my teacher is going to flunk me. While this is very unlikely, it still bothers me. I'm sinking into a black-hole and it just keeps getting blacker.

On top of all of this, my parents. They have been seperated since November. I knew it was coming, and a divorce was unavoidable. I even know that it needs to happen. When I got back from our vacation, the first thing we got was the divorce papers. I can't believe it. It's actually happening. My family is never going to be back together. Yesterday, My step mom talked to my dad, and she is going after everything. We don't have much to begin with, she wants allimony, everything. We can't (my dad and I) hardly pay our bills now, how are we going to pay bills if she gets allimony? I highly doubt that she will get all she wants, but its going to be bad. I know just how demeaning and manipulative she is. How will we get through this. My dad has his girlfriend, I have no one. Granted, my one friend Nanie is here, but I just can't talk to her. I'm her support beam, how can I explain to her that I'm this week....

The thing that scares me the most out of all of this was yesterday, as I worked, I was spinning wildly into that hole. Suicide was a concious thought. While I would never kill myself, out of my own knowing it wouldn't make anything better, and I'm to scared. But it was there, I even thought to the point that I thought of the letter I would write to Nanie. This scares me a bit, while I've dealt with being suicidal before, to a much greater extent, I've never had it strike me this way. Thinking of how I would write my best friend a letter to explain it away strikes me as odd.



Well, I feel much better now that I ranted, But I know I need help, I just don't know how to go about getting it. Like today, I feel better, no thoughts of killing myself or anything like it...