For one reason or another my life has always been a constant struggle. Just when it seems like it getting a little better and i start seeing the light at the end of this cold, dark, lonely tunnel it gets ripped away from me. I always feel like i have to prove that im not a mistake and the more i have it thrown in my face the deeper i slip into the darkness. Some of what were supposed to be happy good days were turned upsidedown cause i was once again reminded that i wasnt wanted.
I thought with the raise i found out i will be getting it would help to make things better and i could start getting ahead. But now mounting car problems and a holiday i just want to skip looming over my head has torn me down once again.
Illness has hit 3 people i love and care about very much and no one is getting better only worse. I cant lose all 3 at once i wont come back from that again. I dont know why it cant get better even for just a little while so i can catch my breath and regroup. I feel like god hates me and just wants me to forever suffer.
The demons have taken hold and the nightmares have begun again. Darkness is my enemy and im so so tired of it all. "Can you hear me screaming for you, im afraid im gonna die down here i need you because no one else can get me out of hell. Im suffocating waiting for you cause the angels dont fly down here. Can you hear me, can you see me, can you save me?"
tonight i was awful and decided to order pasta, mozzeralla sticks, and cheesecake. I felt so awful after that i needed to purge. I haven't done this is a couple of months and i feel like its going to become a habit because i know i need to lose weight
I often say to myself I don’t want to win I just want to break even. You know something it’s the depression talking. Like I would be happier if I just felt nothing. Feeling like crap all the time plays with your mind. You wish that instead of feeling the pain you just felt nothing. That’s no way to live. What’s the point then to just pass the time till I’m old and in the ground. No...