I won't commit suicide because I've seen what my past attempts have done to the people I love and I can't impose that pain on them...But, I just want hope. I've been given everything in this life. My parents both have 100k+ jobs, I'm at a good college, I have family and friends back home who care about me. But I've managed to fuck everything up. I got kicked out of school at 14 and switched to a catholic girls school. I made it through (barely, i spent months in intensive treatment during senior year). I have been given everything, but I am NOTHING, tests say I'm smart, but everyone at college sure seems smarter. I'm lazy and fat and ugly and inept. I'm weak and pathetic. So, perhaps not everything has gone perfectly in my life...fine, i admit, i have endured abuse...but the fact is, i have ALWAYS been NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I just want to be happy. I just want to be at peace with myself. And most of all I want to make a positive impact on the world. After all, Ive hurt so many... I'm feeling very lonely and suicidal tonight. I have the means, but, again, I could never hurt my family like that. (unless i wan being an impulsive asshole...i'm a college freshman and i have no friends. i'm talking to my therapist from home once a week and it helps some...part of me wants to drop out, but then what? live at home? go to a psych hospital? i'll take that as proof that i am a FAILURE and I couldn't see myself getting anywhere in life. College has always been a given in my life. I just wish I could see whatever the hell potential others claim to see in me...from my point of view, everyone i've ever encountered would have been better off (or at best, the same) if i had never been born.
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