In this world I have never fit in and have never belonged. I have loved but it's always insufficient, i have believed but it has never been enough, i have given to others but .... I have tried to live a good life and be there for others that have needed a kind word or a shoulder to cry on but it has only left me alone and empty with no one who will listen to my true cries. Yes there are those that will be there for a while and only for certain things but there has never been anyone that has wanted to help quell my madness or my sorrow.
When i was a kid in a certain religion they refered to what i am as someone in a soul death. My soul has been bleeding out and crying out for others for so long but no one has trully answered it's cries not even me. I feel like i am drowning in the blood of a soul that has been hemoraging forever and what I desperately need to heal my soul is always out of reach always kept from me and i am afraid it is just because i am undeserving. No matter how much work i put in to others so they will hopefully hear my souls scream and help me tend to my wounds nothing works.
Sometimes i wish i could be unfeeling as the rest of the world where everyone just takes and doesn't give as much in return because they don't have to. I've never been enough to people even though i try with all my might and all my strength just to be sucked down that rabbit hole again.
Sometimes i wish i could go back to Clonazepam even though i don't need it at least then parts of my mind were numbed to the world and other things were easier to keep to myself like love and passion...without it my mind is screaming at me for how low i am in this world and how undeserving i truly have become. A piece of garbage to be discarded at the earliest sign of work for someone else to put into me.
I wish i could shift my feelings sometimes...then again i wish i could eliminate them all together....get rid of the Id and keep only the ego and superego so i stay in reality with logic and no emotion or primal drives.
i'm almost glad sometimes i have no access to others....then again it is like being sucked down a deep dark hole like Alice was into a chaotic world that will eat you up and spit you out without a thought. I hate when these depression spells come...hopefully it won't last too long.
I have no friends and no family really to talk to so I hope this support group can help and make me feel like the whole world doesn't hate me. I hope I can get some feedback and help make sense of my emotions. To start I'm going to give a little background:I'm the youngest child of 4. My siblings and I came from different dads. Growing up, my biological father had left. My 3 siblings still had...
i never told anyone this irl before, except a therapist.. but only for a few minutes. but i was talking to one of my online friends tonight and i opened up to him about my childhood abuse from my dad. its so hard for me to talk about it irl because it feels like im incapable of talking about my feelings. i wasnt really raised like that, i didnt really get lots of affection and i dont feel...