I'm sorry ( I know I shouldn't apologize ), but I have never really reached out on the boards before. Right now I feel like I am in a black hole, and I don't know how to pull myself out of it. My husband said some pretty shitty things to me tonight, and for the first time, I thought about ending it all. I had the pills in my hand. Of course I talked myself out of it. I am entirely too God fearing to actaully kill myself. It just scares me that the thought ever crossed my mind. I just want to put an end to the pain I seem to put others through. I feel like I just want to disappear. I don't want my daughter to have to see me go through this. She deserves so much more than I can give her. Instead of killing myself, I have been thinking about just disappearing. I can give my parents full custody of my child, and she will have a chance to live the normal happy life that she deserves. My husband tells me I'm a piece of shit. How can you say that to someone who is sick, and wishes everyday that they could do anything to make it better? I feel worthless. And when you hear it day after day from the mouth of someone that is supposed to care for you and be there for you, you start to believe it. I just want out of this black hole, but I have no one to pull me out.
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Feeling pretty bad today. I'm exhausted in every way. Tired of living this life where nothing changes or gets better despite how much I try. Had a bad life all my life and I'm just tired of being here.