This is my first time writing here but after reading so many of the posts I decided that maybe my imput could help someone. I am not going to go into all of my background but suffice to say that I was diagnosed with a "major depressive illness" at 21 years of age and the pain has only followed me from there. I was a self mutilator in my teens- you know the whole slashing myself thing and I always seemed to pick the wrong crowd to hang out with- drunks, drug abusers, pity party people, anyone who could help blunt the pain. Anyways, I am now a 2 times divorced 34 year old woman with a great job, a great boss and a beautiful 7 year old daughter. Three weeks ago I was sooo pissed off because my live-in boyfriend decided to do one of his "I have to leave and clear my mind" dissapearing acts and I was left in his house with his 75 year old alcoholic Mom and my sleeping 7 year old. So what do you do to blunt the pain of yet another abandonment?? I drank myself silly of course! Only on this night I decided that I really, really sucked. No matter how much good I was doing at my work or how much my daughter loved me, I felt I had failed, failed, failed at being the person I wanted to be. So I called my ex-husband, drunk off my ass, at 1am to come pick up our daughter, I called my boyfrend, who was busying being at one with himself at the beach, and told him to come home. When he did not come home I decided I had no other option but to end my life, better for everyone- at least at the time I thought so. Keep in mind I had consumed nearly a 1/5 of vodka in 7 hours. I took 75 halcion sleeping pills with straight vodka. I had always cryed out for help in different ways but this time there was a ring of finality to my actions, careful planning, calls to my sisters at 2 am to let them know I loved them etc..ect... Let me tell you something- REAL suicide attempts are not romantic or pretty. I called my boyfriend-who happens to be a firefighter -and told him what I had done. Before I had a chance to tell him I didn't want to die I lost all feeling in my extremities and dropped the phone. I woke up the next day in the ICU of the local hospital feeling like a train wreck. When I was admitted-which I have no recollection of- my clothing was cut off- my heartbeat was 210 beats per minute- I was intubated and put on a ventilator, gastric lavage was used-(this is the really gross part where they thread the tube down your nose into your stomach and pump in warm saline to suction out the contents of your stomach). I was on a ventilator for 10 hours before my heartbeat subsided enough to remove the breathing tube. My lungs and throat were on fire for the next six days but I was released from the hospital after 2 days and now I am in counseling once a week with careful monitoring of my symtomns. What i am trying to say is this- IT IS NEVER WORTH IT. I crashed 3 times in the first 4 hours I was in ICU. I almost lost the chance to see my baby grow up. I had 16 messages from crying family members wondering what they had done wrong!! Suicide is never the answer- and I can say that with first hand experience now. Call a friend, take a walk, sleep in a local church, do anything but that.It is NEVER the answer!!
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