im holding in so much, hiding so much pain and hurt... why... one because its not appropriate to express it around my family as they dont understand and they are just so in to the the tough love approach. they dont help my depression, they hinder it. they dont want to know when im feeling bad, they want me to be ok all the time because they dont know what to do with me. when im feeling low and not able to hide it they say im being difficult and awkward... just cos i dont talk much cos im in so much emotional pain! with recent events it now gives me more motives not to talk, i mean why should i when people who i trusted think im lying? just has given me far more incentives to shut up about me and deal with it on my own... im in so much pain.. so much that im not expressing and holding it because i deserve punishment? partly, partly cos i cant find the words to say just wot im feeling and partly cos i dont want to talk and have any body else deserting me and thinking i lying so its eaier just not to say anything and keep quiet and hold it all in even though its quietly killing me! its better than going through the past week again right? all i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry n cry but i cant and wont cos i just cant say anything or do anything to relief this pain. ive got to hurt... i deserve to... im bad..evil and deserve to hurt. ill just let it eat me.
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