So because I needed the stress, I got a dog from a breeder. A gorgeous little European standard red and rust male Doberman, with a brain injury. Breeder explained he'd fallen off the deck onto the concrete sidewalk below, but that his vet (and mine) checked him out and deemed him aok. They were wrong and the breeder (who I'm quite sure was gonna have him destroyed) from a bleeding heart who is so in love with her now 3 year old dog, can't bear to part with him.
You see, he has seizures. And not just 1 or 2 a month, but if left unmedicated, goes from 1 - 2 in a day to 7 full on grand mal seizures in 3 short days. The medications are costly. Around 150.00 a month. Did I mention that he has major separation anxiety? I cannot even stand on the other side of a gate without him crying and growling to be back at my side, able to touch me. OCD issues, too. Chasing dust particles and shadows and anything else that triggers him. He's a jumper, folks. And at 95lbs, he is not light.
He's had two extremely expensive vet visits. One when he consumed a bottle of ibuprofen that I didn't even know was in the house ($1000.) And then again, when he chewed the rubber feet off a toy that got stuck in his intestines ($6000.) Why was the last visit so expensive? Not shockingly, we discovered he has vWd, the blood clotting disease which causes him to bleed uncontrollably. The surgery, itself, was priced high but pair that with vWd and we tripled the cost. We'd already been on the lookout for a vet to neuter him... being quoted at $1200 and told that no veterinarian would touch him except the big vet school who would have to order in special clotting agents and keep blood on hand for him, in case of disaster... we ended up throwing in the castration on top of the surgery because, if they're gonna need the extra vials and blood, might as well do it all at once.
Everyone, but me, hates him. I've promised that if his seizures return, we will put him down. He's 85 days seizure free and counting.
My husband's son ignores him and muzzles him the moment he barks. Yes, even if it's a logical reason for the barking like having to go potty because the meds make him so thirsty that he gorges on water. Nope, he barked. Muzzle him. I guess it's better than the husband shocking him to stop him from barking. Which took a lot of work to convince him to stop, because, well, it worked but not effectively enough to keep him from doing it when the collar came off.
We bought him a calming cap. It works. No one will use it but me. We put up gates to keep him out of the trash or from off the counters. No one remembers to close them. Did I also mention that he regressed in all his training since the last round of seizures rolled through and for 3 weeks we fought them til we got them back under control? Yeah, all that hard work and now his anxiety is so much that it over powers the training that he remembers and he forgets himself.
The husband agrees that he's intelligent enough to train but when I bring up professional trainers, he doesn't want to waste the money because he's afraid that it won't help and they'll just be taking the money to not help us.
We looked into rescues, but with all his medical issues, they can't support him. Kill shelters are out for the obvious reasons. I love him and he has so much life and love to give. It's not fair to take away his life because we are struggling with him. There's a Dobie rescue in New Hamshire that might or might not take him. They take senior dobies and dobies with major medical needs. I'm not from the states that they service but, maybe, if I drove him to them, they would take him. I can't bring myself to call them. I cry every time I think about giving up my dog. What if he doesn't find a good home? What if he's stuck there, in a cage, all the time? What if he's bonded to me and me leaving him breaks his heart and he suffers for it? What if there's a good person out there who can afford his medical bills and has the patience for him... will they let me know how he's doing? Will I never know if my puppy is okay?
This stress is a huge issue between me and my husband. He backs off and tries to be patient with the dog's issues every time I cry but the dog tests him all the time. He's kenneled a lot. All of this is so unfair to him. He needs a single animal home with someone who has the patience to handle him but I don't wanna give him up. He loves me. I love him. He's been with me since he was 8 weeks old.
How can I overcome the guilt of letting him go? Would he be happiest if I could find him the right family through the rescue? I need courage to figure out what to do and I'm scared of the decision.
I keep playing out the speech of telling him that "he's a great dog and he's gonna make the bestest dog in the world for someone else" and then I see him waiting everyday for me. Do they even think like that?
What do I do?
Update...my grandmother passed away December 12th. This Thursday passed. We really never know when our time is coming. I will say, this time I wasn't angry at God because I know my grandmother was tired. But I just want all of this make sense. Its been six months since my father died and now my grandmother is gone. I was so close to her. I don't even know if I'll be able to handle her funeral. Me...