IM TRYING TO GET OFF ALL THE MIND NUMBING MEDS THAT HAS KEPT ME SO DEAD FOR SO LONG, I HAVEN'T FELT HAPPY FOR YEARS, I HAVE'NT FELT HARDLY ANYTHING BUT ANHEDONIA AND DEPRESSION. I AM LOSING EVERYTHING AND RISKING EVERYTHING. I WILL HAVE NO ONE COUNTING ON ME ANYMORE, I WILL HAVE NO ONE PERIOD. I AM GOING TO LEAVE THIS TOWN, AND GET A LIFE, OR END THE ONE THAT HAS GONE ON FOR WAY TOO LONG. SINCE I LOST MY CONNECTIONS WITH THE MENTAL HEALTH SYSTEM, I HAVE BEEN LOSING MY CONNECTIONS TO THE REST OF THE WORLD AS WELL, MAYBE I CAN CHANGE THAT, MAYBE IT'S TOO LATE, I DON'T KNOW. I WAS ONCE SUCH A SOCIAL PERSON, NOW, NOW I CAN'T LEAVE MY FKG HOUSE MOST OF THE TIME. BEING REJECTED BY THE "PROFESSIONALS" HAS MADE IT HARD FOR ME TO THINK THAT ANYONE CAN EVER ACCEPT ME AGAIN. I FEEL LIKE A MONSTER. I WENT OUT ON A LEDGE AS A DESPERATE SUICIDAL PERSON, AND WAS PULLED BACK IN A FREAK OF NATURE, A MONSTER. IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS SINCE I HAVE SEEN OR TALKED TO ANY OF THEM. HOW CAN I EXPECT ANYONE TO FORGIVE ME WHEN I CAN'T FORGIVE MYSELF. FIFTEEN YEARS WITH THESE PEOPLE. HOW CAN I ASK FOR HELP WHEN BEING SUICIDAL IS WHAT MADE THEM ALL HATE ME. I KNOW WHAT I DID WAS STUPID. BUT IT ENDED UP BEING THE WORST THING I EVER DID. AND I THOUGHT I HAD DONE SOME PRETTY BAD THINGS. I REALLY THOUGHT THEY CARED ABOUT ME. WHILE I GUESS I WAS JUST A JOKE THE WHOLE TIME. I WAS NEVER MEANT TO SEE MY TWENTIES, LET ALONE MAKE IT THIS FAR. I TRY TO HAVE HOPE, BUT LOOKING BACK I JUST SEE THE "AFTERMATH" OF ME. AND THE NOTHINGNESS I HAVE LEFT. I'M NOT A STRONG PERSON, BUT IN ONE WEEK, I WILL BE FACING THE GREATEST LOSS OF MY LIFE. THE LAST THREAD THAT HAS HELD ME HERE. MY SON. HE IS THE ONLY, AND I DO MEAN ONLY REASON I HAVE HAD TO WAKE UP DAY AFTER DAY. IT HAS BEEN A FIGHT, BUT AS LONG AS HE WAS HERE I HAVE MADE MYSELF HANG ON, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WILL DO WITHOUT A REASON. I'M JUST SO TIRED. I WANT IT ALL TO BE OVER SO BADLY.