I've been spending a LOT of time lately soul searching and it's really bothering me because I'm not happy about ANYTHING in my life.

I can list a bunch of things that I'm unhappy about:

1) I'm overweight. I'm working on this, but it just isn't happening fast enough. I DO NOT WANT TO BE FAT ANYMORE. I've lost 25 lbs in the last month, but I need to lose 50 more. I did this by pretty-much not eating at all. If I eat even HEALTHY small portion or two a day, my weight climbs back to where it was. (I did that about 6 months ago). I feel that my being overweight has been one of the biggest problems with me getting into a successful relationship. I know that this is partially caused my a hormonal problem I have. But, I'm losing my insurance and can't afford to pay for treatment.

1a) I'm short (only 5'3"). Most women want some tall guy. That's impossible for me. Nothing I can do about it. It was probably caused by the same hormone problem, but it's too late to fix now (it would have had to be caught many years ago). I think it's because they want to feel safe and protected and they don't feel that way around me, no matter how protective I actuall am. My stbx knows how much I protected her and wanted her to be safe and have the best of everything. Hell, I got thrown out of a club after some guy twice my size tried to "molest" her and would not listen when I asked him nicely to stop. I stood up to him and I didn't give a damn how much danger I was in--I was protecting my wife. That's the kind of person that I am--too bad that nobody realizes it very often.

2) I look older than I am. When I was younger, this was a blessing (not getting carded, etc). But, now, it's a curse. I tend to fit in better and be more attracted to women who are younger than I am. But, these two things make them VERY unattracted to me. I think if I lose weight, it may help, but I don't know.

3) I never really developed any kind of social skills. When I was younger, I was very "sheltered" by my parents. Too many rules. Friends had fun--I sat at home doing things alone. My stbx told me I was "boring." When we went out together, she never had fun. I understand this, but I do not have the skills to actually "have fun." I honestly don't know how to have a good time!

4) I recently lost my wife due to a number of reasons. It really sucks because she is very happy where she is now, and I'm not happy at all. (she had a boyfriend and they are now making plans for their first baby--she gave MY dream to HIM). I look back and sure, there were some things that were out of my control, but at the same time, I have many flaws that made things even worse.

5) My flaws: I'm VERY codependent. I think the reasons why I became this way was that several times in my life, I lost everyone. And, my mother always tries to "take care of me" and baby me. I'm 36 years old, and she wants me to move back home after losing my wife. Even my stbx told me last night that maybe I should move back home!!! I CANNOT DO THAT--I HAVE TO MAKE MY OWN LIFE SOMEHOW.

6) Another flaw: I see all of the other people out there my age, who have built a responsible life for themselves. I have not. My life skills are very complete (I know HOW to do it). But, I DON'T do it. I know this primarilly low self-esteem (I have the lowest on the planet).

7) My low self esteem comes from a lot of different places. I think my physical problems cause a lot of it. I've been rejected so many times that I believe it. That causes me to "try too hard" and makes things even worse.

8) My low self esteem also comes from my work. In my industry (computers) NOBODY is ever happy. I try the best that I can to give everyone my all (to the point of sacrificing myself) and STILL nobody is happy. One client today called nitpicking about minor cosmetic things on an application that I've been waiting for 6 months to be paid for. Another has someone else doing some of my work because they've lost confidence in me due to THEM not telling me when they have problems. Then, I make suggestions, they don't do them, and then I get blamed for when things don't work. FOR ONCE, I'd LOVE TO HAVE SOMEONE TELL ME THEY ARE IMPRESSED WITH MY WORK.

9) My apartment is a mess. Why clean it? I have no friends that ever come over to see it. Only I see it and I really don't care. I've lived here for a year and other than my wife living here, NONE of my few friends have been here in a year.

10) Everywhere I go, people take advantage of me because I'm a nice guy. EVERYWHERE. I can't remember the last time I was actually in a situation where I received even a fraction of what I gave. And, in relationships, I have NEVER received ANY of what I've given. NEVER. Hell, I've never even had a woman tell me "I love you." NEVER. Even my stbx never said it--and she admits that, too. I think I'm at the point that if some woman actually said it, I would not believe them.

11) I look around at everyone else my age and they are all "established." They are all in relationships or whatever and are happy. I'm not. I feel like a 15-year-old kid who's lost his way. I realize that women what someone who's secure and established and a good protector. When I was with my wife, I felt that I was all of those things. Except that I had some doubts about my wife causing security issues. But, now that she's gone, I'm TOTALLY alone and I just can't function. I see no point in doing anything for myself other than the bare minimum necessary. I spend all of my energy trying to attract a mate. NOTHING else is important to me other than having a loving family (wife, kids).

11a) It seems that nobody ever takes me seriously. Whether it's in work or my personal life. Even my stbx never took me seriously. That is I think her biggest pet-peeve about me. She COULD NOT respect me because I was not a respectable husband. But, when I tried to stand up to her or others, it made things even worse because it fueled nothing but anger.

12) I'm very needy--I know this. But, how the hell can someone NOT be needy when they've never been in a relationship at the age of 36? How can I not be needy when I have only 1 friend in the whole world? (my stbx may count as #2, but time will tell as to if she's sticking around because she feels sorry for me, worries that I could get her in trouble with the INS, or if she really WANTS me around).

13) I worry every day about pushing my only friend away, becase I'm so needy. I know that there is absolutely nothing that she can do to help, as she is happily-married. But, I also know that I bug her and it's because she's the only thing left in my life. My stbx is also in this position, and I don't want to push her away, too, but I feel it's happening.

14) Any male friends I've ever made were more codependent than I am. They seem to seek me out. I joined a singles group, and one of them latched on to me 15 minutes into my first event! I kept a wall up and kept him away, but it's so obvious. I need to work on myself--not have to deal with someone else's issues. Are there any NON-codependent people out there who are interested in me????

Help! (and, counselors don't work--talking on here does just as much help). I need someone to take me out and show me how to be socially-acceptible! Teach me the skills that I don't have....