Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I've been spending a LOT of time lately soul searching and it's really bothering me because I'm not happy about ANYTHING in my life.
I can list a bunch of things that I'm unhappy about:
1) I'm overweight. I'm working on this, but it just isn't happening fast enough. I DO NOT WANT TO BE FAT ANYMORE. I've lost 25 lbs in the last month, but I need to lose 50 more. I did this by pretty-much not eating at all. If I eat even HEALTHY small portion or two a day, my weight climbs back to where it was. (I did that about 6 months ago). I feel that my being overweight has been one of the biggest problems with me getting into a successful relationship. I know that this is partially caused my a hormonal problem I have. But, I'm losing my insurance and can't afford to pay for treatment.
1a) I'm short (only 5'3"). Most women want some tall guy. That's impossible for me. Nothing I can do about it. It was probably caused by the same hormone problem, but it's too late to fix now (it would have had to be caught many years ago). I think it's because they want to feel safe and protected and they don't feel that way around me, no matter how protective I actuall am. My stbx knows how much I protected her and wanted her to be safe and have the best of everything. Hell, I got thrown out of a club after some guy twice my size tried to "molest" her and would not listen when I asked him nicely to stop. I stood up to him and I didn't give a damn how much danger I was in--I was protecting my wife. That's the kind of person that I am--too bad that nobody realizes it very often.
2) I look older than I am. When I was younger, this was a blessing (not getting carded, etc). But, now, it's a curse. I tend to fit in better and be more attracted to women who are younger than I am. But, these two things make them VERY unattracted to me. I think if I lose weight, it may help, but I don't know.
3) I never really developed any kind of social skills. When I was younger, I was very "sheltered" by my parents. Too many rules. Friends had fun--I sat at home doing things alone. My stbx told me I was "boring." When we went out together, she never had fun. I understand this, but I do not have the skills to actually "have fun." I honestly don't know how to have a good time!
4) I recently lost my wife due to a number of reasons. It really sucks because she is very happy where she is now, and I'm not happy at all. (she had a boyfriend and they are now making plans for their first baby--she gave MY dream to HIM). I look back and sure, there were some things that were out of my control, but at the same time, I have many flaws that made things even worse.
5) My flaws: I'm VERY codependent. I think the reasons why I became this way was that several times in my life, I lost everyone. And, my mother always tries to "take care of me" and baby me. I'm 36 years old, and she wants me to move back home after losing my wife. Even my stbx told me last night that maybe I should move back home!!! I CANNOT DO THAT--I HAVE TO MAKE MY OWN LIFE SOMEHOW.
6) Another flaw: I see all of the other people out there my age, who have built a responsible life for themselves. I have not. My life skills are very complete (I know HOW to do it). But, I DON'T do it. I know this primarilly low self-esteem (I have the lowest on the planet).
7) My low self esteem comes from a lot of different places. I think my physical problems cause a lot of it. I've been rejected so many times that I believe it. That causes me to "try too hard" and makes things even worse.
8) My low self esteem also comes from my work. In my industry (computers) NOBODY is ever happy. I try the best that I can to give everyone my all (to the point of sacrificing myself) and STILL nobody is happy. One client today called nitpicking about minor cosmetic things on an application that I've been waiting for 6 months to be paid for. Another has someone else doing some of my work because they've lost confidence in me due to THEM not telling me when they have problems. Then, I make suggestions, they don't do them, and then I get blamed for when things don't work. FOR ONCE, I'd LOVE TO HAVE SOMEONE TELL ME THEY ARE IMPRESSED WITH MY WORK.
9) My apartment is a mess. Why clean it? I have no friends that ever come over to see it. Only I see it and I really don't care. I've lived here for a year and other than my wife living here, NONE of my few friends have been here in a year.
10) Everywhere I go, people take advantage of me because I'm a nice guy. EVERYWHERE. I can't remember the last time I was actually in a situation where I received even a fraction of what I gave. And, in relationships, I have NEVER received ANY of what I've given. NEVER. Hell, I've never even had a woman tell me "I love you." NEVER. Even my stbx never said it--and she admits that, too. I think I'm at the point that if some woman actually said it, I would not believe them.
11) I look around at everyone else my age and they are all "established." They are all in relationships or whatever and are happy. I'm not. I feel like a 15-year-old kid who's lost his way. I realize that women what someone who's secure and established and a good protector. When I was with my wife, I felt that I was all of those things. Except that I had some doubts about my wife causing security issues. But, now that she's gone, I'm TOTALLY alone and I just can't function. I see no point in doing anything for myself other than the bare minimum necessary. I spend all of my energy trying to attract a mate. NOTHING else is important to me other than having a loving family (wife, kids).
11a) It seems that nobody ever takes me seriously. Whether it's in work or my personal life. Even my stbx never took me seriously. That is I think her biggest pet-peeve about me. She COULD NOT respect me because I was not a respectable husband. But, when I tried to stand up to her or others, it made things even worse because it fueled nothing but anger.
12) I'm very needy--I know this. But, how the hell can someone NOT be needy when they've never been in a relationship at the age of 36? How can I not be needy when I have only 1 friend in the whole world? (my stbx may count as #2, but time will tell as to if she's sticking around because she feels sorry for me, worries that I could get her in trouble with the INS, or if she really WANTS me around).
13) I worry every day about pushing my only friend away, becase I'm so needy. I know that there is absolutely nothing that she can do to help, as she is happily-married. But, I also know that I bug her and it's because she's the only thing left in my life. My stbx is also in this position, and I don't want to push her away, too, but I feel it's happening.
14) Any male friends I've ever made were more codependent than I am. They seem to seek me out. I joined a singles group, and one of them latched on to me 15 minutes into my first event! I kept a wall up and kept him away, but it's so obvious. I need to work on myself--not have to deal with someone else's issues. Are there any NON-codependent people out there who are interested in me????
Help! (and, counselors don't work--talking on here does just as much help). I need someone to take me out and show me how to be socially-acceptible! Teach me the skills that I don't have....
I can list a bunch of things that I'm unhappy about:
1) I'm overweight. I'm working on this, but it just isn't happening fast enough. I DO NOT WANT TO BE FAT ANYMORE. I've lost 25 lbs in the last month, but I need to lose 50 more. I did this by pretty-much not eating at all. If I eat even HEALTHY small portion or two a day, my weight climbs back to where it was. (I did that about 6 months ago). I feel that my being overweight has been one of the biggest problems with me getting into a successful relationship. I know that this is partially caused my a hormonal problem I have. But, I'm losing my insurance and can't afford to pay for treatment.
1a) I'm short (only 5'3"). Most women want some tall guy. That's impossible for me. Nothing I can do about it. It was probably caused by the same hormone problem, but it's too late to fix now (it would have had to be caught many years ago). I think it's because they want to feel safe and protected and they don't feel that way around me, no matter how protective I actuall am. My stbx knows how much I protected her and wanted her to be safe and have the best of everything. Hell, I got thrown out of a club after some guy twice my size tried to "molest" her and would not listen when I asked him nicely to stop. I stood up to him and I didn't give a damn how much danger I was in--I was protecting my wife. That's the kind of person that I am--too bad that nobody realizes it very often.
2) I look older than I am. When I was younger, this was a blessing (not getting carded, etc). But, now, it's a curse. I tend to fit in better and be more attracted to women who are younger than I am. But, these two things make them VERY unattracted to me. I think if I lose weight, it may help, but I don't know.
3) I never really developed any kind of social skills. When I was younger, I was very "sheltered" by my parents. Too many rules. Friends had fun--I sat at home doing things alone. My stbx told me I was "boring." When we went out together, she never had fun. I understand this, but I do not have the skills to actually "have fun." I honestly don't know how to have a good time!
4) I recently lost my wife due to a number of reasons. It really sucks because she is very happy where she is now, and I'm not happy at all. (she had a boyfriend and they are now making plans for their first baby--she gave MY dream to HIM). I look back and sure, there were some things that were out of my control, but at the same time, I have many flaws that made things even worse.
5) My flaws: I'm VERY codependent. I think the reasons why I became this way was that several times in my life, I lost everyone. And, my mother always tries to "take care of me" and baby me. I'm 36 years old, and she wants me to move back home after losing my wife. Even my stbx told me last night that maybe I should move back home!!! I CANNOT DO THAT--I HAVE TO MAKE MY OWN LIFE SOMEHOW.
6) Another flaw: I see all of the other people out there my age, who have built a responsible life for themselves. I have not. My life skills are very complete (I know HOW to do it). But, I DON'T do it. I know this primarilly low self-esteem (I have the lowest on the planet).
7) My low self esteem comes from a lot of different places. I think my physical problems cause a lot of it. I've been rejected so many times that I believe it. That causes me to "try too hard" and makes things even worse.
8) My low self esteem also comes from my work. In my industry (computers) NOBODY is ever happy. I try the best that I can to give everyone my all (to the point of sacrificing myself) and STILL nobody is happy. One client today called nitpicking about minor cosmetic things on an application that I've been waiting for 6 months to be paid for. Another has someone else doing some of my work because they've lost confidence in me due to THEM not telling me when they have problems. Then, I make suggestions, they don't do them, and then I get blamed for when things don't work. FOR ONCE, I'd LOVE TO HAVE SOMEONE TELL ME THEY ARE IMPRESSED WITH MY WORK.
9) My apartment is a mess. Why clean it? I have no friends that ever come over to see it. Only I see it and I really don't care. I've lived here for a year and other than my wife living here, NONE of my few friends have been here in a year.
10) Everywhere I go, people take advantage of me because I'm a nice guy. EVERYWHERE. I can't remember the last time I was actually in a situation where I received even a fraction of what I gave. And, in relationships, I have NEVER received ANY of what I've given. NEVER. Hell, I've never even had a woman tell me "I love you." NEVER. Even my stbx never said it--and she admits that, too. I think I'm at the point that if some woman actually said it, I would not believe them.
11) I look around at everyone else my age and they are all "established." They are all in relationships or whatever and are happy. I'm not. I feel like a 15-year-old kid who's lost his way. I realize that women what someone who's secure and established and a good protector. When I was with my wife, I felt that I was all of those things. Except that I had some doubts about my wife causing security issues. But, now that she's gone, I'm TOTALLY alone and I just can't function. I see no point in doing anything for myself other than the bare minimum necessary. I spend all of my energy trying to attract a mate. NOTHING else is important to me other than having a loving family (wife, kids).
11a) It seems that nobody ever takes me seriously. Whether it's in work or my personal life. Even my stbx never took me seriously. That is I think her biggest pet-peeve about me. She COULD NOT respect me because I was not a respectable husband. But, when I tried to stand up to her or others, it made things even worse because it fueled nothing but anger.
12) I'm very needy--I know this. But, how the hell can someone NOT be needy when they've never been in a relationship at the age of 36? How can I not be needy when I have only 1 friend in the whole world? (my stbx may count as #2, but time will tell as to if she's sticking around because she feels sorry for me, worries that I could get her in trouble with the INS, or if she really WANTS me around).
13) I worry every day about pushing my only friend away, becase I'm so needy. I know that there is absolutely nothing that she can do to help, as she is happily-married. But, I also know that I bug her and it's because she's the only thing left in my life. My stbx is also in this position, and I don't want to push her away, too, but I feel it's happening.
14) Any male friends I've ever made were more codependent than I am. They seem to seek me out. I joined a singles group, and one of them latched on to me 15 minutes into my first event! I kept a wall up and kept him away, but it's so obvious. I need to work on myself--not have to deal with someone else's issues. Are there any NON-codependent people out there who are interested in me????
Help! (and, counselors don't work--talking on here does just as much help). I need someone to take me out and show me how to be socially-acceptible! Teach me the skills that I don't have....
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
I hope this will help you
What you now need to do is get advice about each, decide which one is a priority in your life and go from there. You'll find there are many people out there going through exactly the same thing you are.
But I'd also repeat 6bags' advice, write a list of whats good in your life or what was good THAT DAY, do it every day before you go to sleep.
And keep a journal. It's nice to read back and see how you've developed and what's changed.
Good luck, keep us posted,
Sam
x
You'll soon find your perspective.
1) Once upon a time, my wife saw something good in me: Yep--a green card in her future. The girl before her just saw me as a walking ATM machine (literally!). And, my "girlfriend" before her only kept me around because her parents liked me, so she was allowed to go out if it was with me. And, that's about 20 years of my relationship history.
2) My friends kept me around because: except for my one REAL friend, all of them kept me around because I would do anything for them. They knew they could rely on me. And, then, once they got what they wanted, they all left...
3) Why does my real friend stay around? Because she feels sorry for me. She's well aware that without her, I'd have been dead a long time ago. I call us best friends, but in reality, I am NOT her best friend (she's even said it). She allows me to say it so I don't feel so bad.
4) My business. Yep--a lot of people say I should be proud of it. In reality, nobody realizes that I'm in severe financial problems because my business is NOT working. So far, this year, I've made about $20k. Most people doing this make 6 figures when they're self-employed. I don't no matter how much I try. I DOUBLED the size of my business over the last year just so I could support my wife. And, the stress that it put me under was so great that I was almost constantly in a bad mood and I sometimes took it out on my wife (verbally--never physically). The only time my phone rings is when clients want something from me.
5) I'm a nice guy. Yeah, and nice guys sleep alone. I'm living proof.
6) I care about others. I used to think this was a good quality that I was proud of. But, when I do, people use me. EVERY SINGLE TIME except my 1 friend.
7) I'm smart. Well, not really. I'm more like "average." And, that intelligence has never gotten me anywhere except a failing business.
8) I'm fun to be around. NOT. Actually, I'm quite boring. I never learned how to have fun.
Honestly, that's all I can think of that's "good" in my life. The one "good" thing in my life that I used to have was my wife and all of the dreams that her and I made together. And, being it was all a lie, that goodness was a lie, too. What I wouldn't do right now to just have my stbx tell me that she REALLY cares about me! But, I know deep down inside that the only reason why she's being nice right now is because she is afraid that I will get her in trouble with the INS.
For once, if someone just wanted me in their life because they WANT me around rather than NEED me, I probably wouldn't know how to handle it. If a woman ever walked up to me and tried to start a conversation with me, I'd know the world is coming to an end, and this is no exaggeration! It's NEVER happened to me before--EVER.
I believe that every person has a soul mate and that sometimes you just have to be patient and have faith that they will find you. You don't have to change who you are to be loved. If someone is going to love you, they are going to love the person you are to begin with. Changing your body will not change your soul.
If I were to offer you a suggestion not to find a woman, but to place yourself in situations where your soul mate can find you, it would be to just get involved in activities or groups that interest you or even just being places that you enjoy.
As lonely as you may feel right now I believe that there is a woman out there feeling just as lonely as you do and looking for someone like you. Someone honest, and caring and hardworking, and intelligent.
Just this weekend, I met a woman that I was really attracted to, at a singles event. Her personality was great. And, she even looked great, too. (hard to find both in the same person, especially at a singles event). And, she was even young (or at least she looked like she was about 25-28). She was a psychologist (uh-oh!) She was about as outgoing as any person I've ever met and she was fun, too. I can only imagine what a great person she would have been to spend time with. But, she gave her number to another guy there--I only wonder what would happen if I was a normal weight. The guy she picked seemed to be a "normal guy" but he was not overweight. (he wasn't even tall--he was about her height, and she was shorter than I am).
This is what usually happens to me... I was in shock when my stbx was interested in me--she was EXACTLY what I was looking for. I never get that lucky. Minus the boyfriend that she hid from me, of course...
Neediness is a curse. You are right, some will seek you out and others will avoid you. All of the other issues that you mention are workable and addressable over time.
Until you become confident in yourself and your ability to survive as a single person this may continue.
Whenever someone learn to deal with being alone, they gain confidence, they lose interest in seeing personal flaws and they can accept rejection in their life. Learning to deal with rejection is learning not to personalize what others do.
PS. If someone is only interested in your height and weight, then they are doing you a favour by keeping away.
The best antidote to low self-esteem is to monitor what you say to yourself and about yourself. I would never let anyone rattle off 14 things about me that they didn't like -- I would stop them after the first one.
Tonight, I wound up proving how crappy women treat me yet again, with a woman who was supposedly being my friend but was actually using me. Long story, but this is a woman who decided to use my depression about my wife to her advantage and I wound up letting my guard down. I made the mistake of actually semi-trusting her and I got bit AGAIN. This is the story of my life--that's why I don't have any trust for women anymore.
Is there anyone else out there who would like to kick me while I'm down? Go ahead--I'm obviously someone who has no feelings so it's fine for everyone to step on me!
The South end of a magnet attracts the North end.
But the good news is, that also happens in a healthy state. And you will find what/who is suitable for you, WHEN you get healthy --
You seem to have assumed that your weight problem is from your hormones, and that may be true, but it also may not be true. There may be other reasons, and most people who need to lose weight, have a very difficult time losing it. ANd the older you get, the more difficult it is, because your metabolism slows down anyway.
Focus on finding ways to get healthy, not just your weight, but the content of your diet, exercise, and stress management.
All three of those things affect your health in a big way.
If you want to have a good mate, you've got to be one. Why would anyone who would be a good mate, settle for anything less for themselves?
If you could afford a BMW (or whatever expensive car you like) would you drive a Pinto instead??
Probably not.