.... I haven't had a drink, or taken anything. I am going to try to go for a ride later, but need some more sleep first, even if it's just 30 mins to stop my mind racing. I'm so scared though, and confused, and just fucked up. I want to die, but I want to have kids and see them be the success in life that I will never be. I want to love, and be loved, but I don't want to live any longer to hurt anyone else. I wish I had something, ANYTHING to offer the world, or even just one person, but I don't. I don't know whether to just say goodbye or beg for help. I keep getting messages saying "you've helped me so much" but I can't see how I've helped anyone, ever. I'm a fucking mess. Always have been. I quit school, quit college, quit everything. I found education too easy. there was no challenge there so I left. I found drugs, and for a while they helped, but I started making a living out of them and again, it was too easy and I got bored. I need a challenge and nothing in life seems to offer it, other than finding a way to end mine. Maybe that's the challenge I need to keep me going... I just don't know anymore. God, I'm just rambling now, it's pathetic! I hate being like this, I hate being me. I hate that I am no fucking use. I hate that I haven't got kids to challenge me, to give me something to live for, someone to learn from the mistakes I made. What's the point in a life you can't be arsed with cos it's too easy, too boring, too full of pain?
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