I haven't been where I am now in quite a while. I have been in this dark, dark place for too long. I felt relief after fighting a battle to get therapy because I knew I wasn't going to make it w/o help. I was thinking in terms of a new life - lose a ton of weight, exercise, clean house, things to do, places to go, people to meet. That isn't the way it's going to be. I hope to lose weight, exercise, clean up the house. IF I can manage to do any of that on any level it would be a good thing. Reality has set in. I'm not going to find a new life. There is nothing to do in a small town. I'm not going to meet new people. I'm not going to be going anywhere unless I go alone. I'm no longer thinking I have a chance at changing what I see and feel towards myself. I never made any ground in that area on previous attempts, things are worse now and I am alone. Reading a post in another group compared loneliness to solitary confinement and that is what it is. I can't see living this way. I don't see the point. And I don't see a way out of it. I'm trying to find somewhere that will take my cats so that I know they will be cared for when I'm gone. I want to know I can go when I want, if I want. I honestly don't know which is crueler, to try to find a home for cats that are terrified of anyone but me, while I'm still here, or to keep them here risking something will happen and they will be strays. God I wish I hadn't taken them in. I feel that I would be using the therapy time better to concentrate on weight and cleaning the house. Then at least my back might stop hurting so much and I wouldn't be embarrassed to call repairmen in when necessary. I hate apologizing to these people for having to come in. I want meds that will keep me from feeling. I can't deal with the feelings anymore. No more. II am so tired of crying. I'm tired of telling myself it will be better. I don't believe it. I think I have to learn to live with this w/o the distraction of a job, and no, I can't deal with trying to work again. I need drugs that will keep me from feeling. I know they have them I've seen too many people moving like zombies. That's all I want. I just can't live in this solitary confinement with no one around but the person I hate the most.
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