Last night, I received an email from my exboyfriend. He has been having a very hard time understanding why we broke up in the first place, our relationship wasn't perfect but it wasn't exactly doomed either: at least, not in his eyes. I wrote him back with my first honest attempt at expressing how this depression has truly made me feel:

Its so hard to find the right words to say to you, i have a hard time communicating sometimes. l am not feeling very stable right now, not even a little bit. In fact, yesterday I completely broke down to my parents and sobbed like I was a 6 year old. I couldnt move from my moms bed and it was just pathetic. I don't know what is wrong with me, but it's become so apparent that there actually IS something wrong. I hate hate HATE talking about these sort of problems because the last thing I want is pity or anything because I know that I don't desrve it. I lead a good and extremely privelaged life. I have absolutely nothing to feel unhappy about. And that's what scares me the most...how will i ever be happy if I can't be happy now when I am suposed to be experiencing the best years of my life. I already wrote off my junior and senior year thinking 'college will be my time to shine' but then I got here and I still wasn't happy and so I thought 'maybe I just need to adjust' so I gave it time and yet still here I am. In the same place as I was two years ago. This scares me so bad you have no idea. It's very hard to explain how it feels day to day, because some days are worse than others but its still the same sort of pain and panic. Lately it's been a lot worse. I wake up dreading each and every moment of the day to come. It doesn't matter what that day holds, I dread it. I find myself counting down the minutes until I can just go to sleep..I sit in my bed for hours when I could be out with friends or studying or doing homework or anything like that. I obsess over things that have no meaning, like what I eat that day or how much I will eat or when I will eat or what I will buy at the mall or what order I will go to the stores in the mall or anything like that. When I start feeling the depression seeping in, I turn to the fridge and eat to comfort myself. I just can't bring myself to be normal. I know this is probably crazy to hear, because you have been with me so much in the past six months and things probably didnt seem bad with me. But thats the whole point behind me swearing off relationships for a while, they just further mask this problem. I am capable of hiding behind boyfriends, friends, alcohol, drugs, but doing this will never allow me to confront my problems. It seems lately like no one really knows how to fix this..my parents comfort me but don't know what step to take next. I just feel hopeless, ugly, and uncomfortable in my own skin. I read what you write to me and i seriously cannot see what you see in me, I have so many problems and issues and I can't think of a single thing I have to offer. I KNOW this sounds like I'm fishing for compliments but its not like that. I am really considering just deleting all of this because its not something you wanna hear, it belongs in my diary. But at the same time, I think I owe it to you to express how I have felt. I'm scared to death of how you are going to think of me after reading this dramatic message, but I am just goign to have to accept any judgments you have because I am being 100% honest. this depression or anxiety or whatever you wanna call it has come and gone a lot over the past two years, and especially gets better in the summer, but right now its coming back full force. I am just trying to deal..independently, so I know it will be gone for good.

I thought that maybe some people can relate to having depression ruin a relationship, so hopefully this makes you feel less alone.