today at work was one of those days where i was working alone and i kinda just got caught up in and lost in my thoughts. but for good reason i think. i started thinking about sex which is what has been consuming my mind lately but this time it sorta took a negative turn. it started with semi -innocent thoughts then it kinda drifted to the fact that i could be infected with hiv because during the one near sexual experience i had years ago, my genitals were directly exposed to bodily fluids. it was so quick and really innocent cuz it stop right after penetration that i kinda never thought that i could have been infected with hiv in that moment. but i also realize that its possible and so now these thoughts are killing me. i was thinking about just going ahead and getting tested to ease my mind becuase i really don't think that i have hiv but at the same time i don't think that i could handle being tested positive at this time in my life especially. it would just make concrete this feeling that i have that my life is purposeless. right now the possibility of my life having a purpose in the future is really what keeps me going. but without a future i would have no reason to live anymore and i would commit suicide. so this is why i don't know if i should get tested or not. on one hand i would really want to know so that i could have some closure and not worry about this anymore but on the other hand i know my life will be over in every sense if i am infected...so i guess i would rather just not know...but then again i would feel so horrible if i am infected but didn't get tested and infected someone else...i really don't know what to do now
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