Growing up at my house was a constant hell. I slowly became more and more depressed the older I got until it got to a point where I had daily thoughts of committing suicide and even tried a few times. I did not have a normal, happy childhood and was so determined to get out of that place. I did. I moved out of my parent's house at 17 and have since lived out on my own. I have been happier but at the same time have struggled as any teen would. I am now 23 and live with my fiance 2 hours away from my hometown. We are getting married next year. I have a good paying job, a nice car, and we are about to close on our first house. But even with all the progress I have made, I still sometimes feel like I could careless to be here. I think because of things that happened to me when I was young, I draw people in my life that treat me like crap. Most all of my boyfriends treated me badly and although my now fiance treats me good, he has an anger problem. My life now is nothing but a roller coaster. I am blessed in SOO many ways and I know that and alot of times everything is great and I am very happy. I just get so sad sometimes and get in this place where I am this same little girl I was 10 or so years ago.
My fiance is a good man. Everything about him is great but when he gets mad, he takes it to levels he shouldn't. He has never hit me or anything like that so don't think that but he throws stuff (not at me) and punches holes in doors and walls and just goes off the hinges. He says he cannot control it when it comes...i dunno. All I know is that I grew up in that environment but much worse and everytime we argue he brings it to that level and it brings me back to that state I was in when I was little. It brings me back to severely depressed and suicidal. I cannot even explain it and I haven't told him b/c I don't want him to think I'm a lunatic...I dunno. I'm having a great day today but yesterday I was actually thinking of how I could commit suicide.
And it's not just him that's pushing me to this. My whole life. My only sister who I was always very close to has been on meth for 2 years and is wasting her life away and is about to lose her 5 month old baby. I barely talk to my daddy and his side of the family and when I do they make me feel like shit...but thats a whole different story. Point is, I just want my life to be routine. I WANT A ROUTINE. I'm so sick of everyday there's either a fight between me and my fiance, my sister has skipped town again, my mom is calling me crying, my grandparents are having serious health problems, and I'm constantly broke. Sorry for going on and on....I just needed to vent.