I grew up in an abusive home and have made a lot of bad choices through the years which have led to countless disappointments. I expect to get disappointed in almost any situation. I have learned it will hurt more if I get my hopes up and then take a fall then if I play this ongoing scenerio in my mind, which always leads to failure. It prepares me for the worst. Meanwhile its hard to enjoy anything that goes right in my life. Its almost as if I feel numb to elation. I wish I could \"feel\" and experience joy when something good happens, then I wouldn\'t focus so much on all the negative experiences throughout my life. Does any of this make sence to anyone? Is there anyone else who might understand and have these same feelings? Lately I have been trying to tell myself over and over again that I deserve good things to happen in my life. I wonder if we can somehow bring on negative situations by always focusing so strongly on the negative and in a way I wish failure and disappointment on myself. I feel like my whole life has been one big mistake. When my dad told my mom to flush me down the toilet right after I was born, there are days I wish she had done that. I get so tired of dealing with the pain, it never goes completely away, its just not as intense sometimes but its still there. I try to strengthen myself through God\'s word and I feel that if I commit suicide I will go to hell. All I want to do is rest in peace.
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