I haven't cut myself for years. I didn't think I would do it again, but I did. I cut last night. I was a bit buzzed, but I knew what I was doing. I have no razors or anything anymore so it was with a crappy knife. No bleeding or anything, just looks nasty. I'm so so frustrated, and sad and angry with myself and with the world. I go see the pscyhiatrist & psychologist this coming wed. I didn't want medication, but now I do. Shoot...if they dont give it to me....call me crazy but I was thinking about meth. Did it before and it made me feel great. No idea where to get it (I'm pretty dumb with things like that)so that would be a problem. My head is confusing, I can't concentrate, I'm dizzy, want to cry scream, sleep and die. Part of me says to keep talking with my friends and work things threw despite problems, other part is telling me to f them over and/or just back off because I'm totally affecting them. My roommate seriously back off this morning when I turned around to face her because she thought I was going to hit her because I was mad. I was so pissed at that reaction and now it just makes me want to cry. Am I seriously this bad that she's scared of me? No wonder I've lost my friends. Who the fuck would want to be friends with a fucking bipolar, emotional, out of control depressive psycho? I don't know how to control this or how to come out and be open with my friends. I haven't been open with them at all. If something displeases me I won't say anything. I don't want to lose them yet I feel I have to push them away. I feel they want to be there and are trying to smooth things over, but at the same time I feel they don't want me around ....or even notice I'm around. I'm so fucking confused. I called my friend from hs last night that I call brother cause that's how we feel. I called him just to ask him to tell me he loved me and that he thought I wasnt worthless. Still....by the end of the night I ended up cutting.....fuck fuck fuck. i dont know what to do...i swear i dont know what to do. my boyfriend is starting to get depressed. i haven't told him anything about me fucking up last night because that would make things worse. i have to be there for him, but i cant. he's always been there for me, but i feel im bringing him down and that our relationship is unhealthy because im needy and depressed and he letes me beat him, bring him down, blow him off as long as i say i love him. i need to be there for him...but i just cant. i cant even be there for me. help me...please. i swear im freakin lost and dont know what to do or where to go.
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